When the going gets tough.....2.0

So this is a post that I've started quite a few times in the last couple days. Kind of keep running out of steam. A lot of the personal stuff going on in my life kind of boiled over this past weekend and while the fact that it all came to a point is a bit of a relief, I also feel like there's someone on a loud speaker screaming over my head "Clean up on isle 5!!!!"... So I'm mentally collecting buckets and mops, grabbing the Mr. Clean and scrubbing away. Not easy work, and I'm finding it a bit hard to stay positive and motivated to get things going. But c'est la vie.

You know that saying "When the going gets tough, the tough get going" Well given my weekend, every time I manage to get out of bed and do something (which everything seems to be right now, I felt like yesterday I should have been given a medal for making it to skating in the morning) I mixed it up. "When the going gets tough, the tough get out of bed".....Yesterday morning to get my ass to the rink. "When the going gets tough the tough eat bacon" when I stopped on the way home from the rink and picked up deli smoked bacon for breakfast. "When the going gets tough, the tough call ex's out on their continual BS".....that was just too easy to try and stop myself. The words spilled out of my mouth and into my phone before I could stop myself and even conceptualize that it wasn't any of my business anymore. The shitty thing is I didn't even get a chance to call the bastard out and dumped it on my friend instead. Who I know didn't take it personally....and I think ignored it and carried on. Good call. It was directed at him and his bullshit not at you.

Anyways. So things are a mess. And I'm feeling alone in my struggles because the situation is pretty unique to me, and my family situation. I'm confused because I don't know what I'm going to do next, and I'm a little lost in life, but that's been going on for awhile. So I shall continue getting up and trying to get moving, starting with getting my ass to school because I just skipped class for the first time because I was too miserable to get out of bed.

Then again...if I didn't have an assignment due and a lab test tomorrow....I garuntee you the newest slogan would be "When the going gets tough, this ex student keeps her ass in bed with bad TV".

Thou Shalt Not Diss the Tim Gun

I've been going through a lot lately. I'm in school, trying to find a job, family crap going on...I've been feeling a little up to my ears. Drowing a bit really. So its making it really hard for me to focus on any one task. When I'm studying I can't focus on the notes on the paper, and when I'm trying to work on papers or something, I can't sit still. Even when I was trying to prepare a video for my ASL class, I would sit for 5 and then have to get up and move around or have to have something else on the go. I am so coated in all this crap going on that I cannot seem to get my brain to focus soley on one thing, instead I have to have multiple things going on.

(Quick side note: I have the best friends in the world....they have put up with my for quite some time in this horrible depressed up and down mood I've been in, they've been there when I've managed to triple book myself mostly because I'm just being an idiot....and they still always give me the shoulder to cry on or scream at....thanks guys, I hope this is the tail end of the roller coaster! Being the kind of friend I want to be has been uber hard lately but you guys keep me around anyways, and that means a lot)

So anyway. Lots going on and no ability to deal with it. So of course I resort back to my old faithful, procrastination and reality TV. My world is sucking the big one, let me watch yours fall to bits!! As a matter of fact, I am currently sitting here doing just that. Procrastinating studying for a midterm, and have busted out the emergency frozen mars bars. What I've been doing for the last like three days it watching old episodes of project runway while studying.

Project Runway is probably the only show I watch RELIGIOUSLY. Other shows I can take or leave, and I don't care if I don't see them every week or if I miss a chunk, but something about Project Runway means I cannot possibly miss a minute. And the fact that I'm terribly unfocused right now means that I'm watching old episodes to sedate me till the new ones.

Now because I cannot possibly focus on my own life anymore than I already do, I've been watching these designers, and I have learned a few things. Those who are rude to Tim Gunn NEVER win. Kennly was not only a bitch to the other contestants, she was EXTREMELY rude to Mr. Gunn, and she was auff'ed.

I just can't understand why someone would go on that show and not heart the tim gunn! I mean if he gives you a rough review, he does it because he wants you to do better! He wants you to succeed! And the dude had the credentials to back up his opinions. Hello, he worked for Liz Clairbourne and he has been on the show since day one. He knows his SHHHIIIIZZZZ..... SO for the love of god. Do not HATE ON THE TIM GUNN!

And when in doubt....Make it work:) Which is really what life is all about :)

Oh god the holidays are amoung us.

It really is some cruel joke that the holidays creep on us so freaking fast..and with the holidays among us , so are the party invites. And with the party invites comes the head count....and the inevitable question, solo or duo?

This is also the question that makes we me want to lash out irrationally. YES I'm STILL single.

Todays tyranny is brought to by an email I recieved from the house I attend on Christmas Eve. My whole family attends and every year we all get the same email about this time asking us to save the date and to give a head count. And this year I was singled out to my whole family asking me if I was single again...WELL THEN/.

Yes I'm still single, yes I will be flying solo, and even if I was dating someone or something changes in two months I STILL wouldn't subject some poor unsuspecting bloke to THAT. And did you have to pose the question in front of EVERYONE in my family? They are all very aware of my impending spinsterhood, must we REALLY bring it up?

Like really? And then what's the polite appropriate answer? "Yes I'm still single, yes I gots no mans". And then everyone feels sorry for you! I'm the last single person in my family, I'm also the only person to not have kids. Both are decisions that I'm really happy with. I was with a guy for a long time that wanted to get married but things just never worked out. Had we gotten married instead of finally breaking up, we would have been miserable! I'm kid less and I think its a great thing because I can't imagine having a kid!!!

But does that mean I want to have to explain my life to everyone time and time again? Does that mean I have to feel bad because I have no man to hold my hand at dinner? Did you really think it would be a good idea to push upon your judgement on me because you think its a crime I'm single?

How do you deal with these invites? How do you respond without sounding like a total bitch?

Remove head from ass then continue living..ok?

They say that you can't pick you're family, and while I usually don't care for cliches or tend to agree with any sort of "grouping" of family for that matter, never has there been a more true statement. But this rant doesn't just include family, it shall be more board, specifically set off by my shit for brains sister.

Have you ever known someone who is so up their own ass they smell their own breath? Shes one of them. Not the only person I've ever known to exhibit this quality, but today shes the one pissing me off. Shes the kind of person that if you're in the car chatting about something going on in your life, she will almost alway interupt you about something going on in her life. Unless whatever you start talking about directly influences her. Then she probably won't interupt but the conversation topic morphs into a tyrant more about her and less about you.

I HATE THESE KINDS OF PEOPLE. How one gets their own head up their own butt that far to the extent where their farts are minty fresh is beyond me. But today's testament is sponsored by the letter J for jobs. My sister has hated her job for quite some time now. I've been telling her for quite some time that she needs to move on and find a job that she will be more satisfied and have more room for growth. Where she is now there will never be raises or promotions or rewards for her efforts only bitchy abuse from her self destructive co-workers and micromanagement from a boss that cannot and apparently will not control self destructive coworker.

I digress. So she finally applys for this new job, and finds out today shes getting the opportunity to write an exam for it. And proceeds to not only email me about it, and then text me about it twice. I myself am knee deep in midterms and assignment (that she of course has no idea about because that would mean she would have to listen to something about me and not about her) but yet she goes on and on about her job. Which don't get me wrong, I think is great, but at this time and in this space, one email is enough...I have shit to do. I have to worry about me.

So I don't respond to her email and she texts me the following

"Don't know if you got my email but I got invited to write an exam for the job!"

Annoyed because I'm waiting for a text from someone in one of my classes about the lab exam I have today I text her back (knowing that if I don't more texts will follow)

"I got it. Just busy. Congrats"

To which my moron of a sister responds

"THANKS! I'm super excited!!!!"

You're kidding me right? What part of "Busy. Congrats" screamed to you that I was that freaking excited for you? Where do you get off not even inquiring about why I'm so busy or thinking that I wanted that kind of message back.

How up your own behind do you need to blatantly ignore someone else in distress just because you're so happy about something that you've pressed on someone else multiple times that the first time they couldn't be bothered to respond to? HELLO?

Also keep in mind that this is the sister who owes me money from the summer. Who has a well paying job but just seems to forget to pay me back. And I would really like that money. Because SHE OWES IT TO ME.....

But no instead I get to get text messages about this new job (even though I've been telling her for years to move on) and about her kids and all this other crap that right now I cannot be bothered to care about.

How do you deal with people like that?

What its really all about.

Lately my life is feeling a bit out of control....much like a round of hokey pokey. I'm going through the motions but not really making any real decisions for myself. I'm putting my arm in and shaking it all about but I'm not dictating why. I'm just being complacent, mostly because its easier than trying to think of anything for myself.

As previously mentioned I haven't always been the biggest fan of the holidays. I run from house to house, event to event attempting to fit it all in, because I think that's what I'm supposed to do but never really enjoying myself. I don't tend to mix my events and priorities because I find that mixing them often leads to unnecessary confusion and hurt feelings, preferring to hop from event to event like a bunny, never mixing them. I have a big family and we don't all get along, and well I'm not even about to try to change things. There is too much water under that bridge.

However. This year somethings a bit difference. My Aunt and my Aunt broke up about a year ago last August. My blood Aunt (The artist) moved on from my other Aunt (M) and to be honest it was something that I saw coming for a long time. They were not meant to be, as they certainly did not bring out the best in each other, more like the extreme worst. However, M somehow got left behind. A huge part of the family that no longer gets to be involved, and I mean I get it shes not blood related, and my Artist Aunt no longer wants to be with her and we should respect that, however, she wasn't the only one that made ties with her. Artist doesn't want to be with her and I respect that, but at the same time, I know M and don't think its fair that she have no family.

So this year when I heard she had nowhere to go for Thanksgiving I suggested we have her over to my parents house. (My Artist Aunt always goes to the other side of the familys house for thanksgiving, and this year is no exception). M may no longer be "family" but shes still family to me, and so I invited her. She's loud, and emotional, and not always the nicest when it comes to talking about my Aunt (so we don't) but she's family. And getting together with family, friends and those we care about is what Thanksgiving is all about. Everyone should have somewhere to go on Thanksgiving. And that is what I am thankful for this year. I have a family good enough to realize this too, and accept that which we cannot change, and invite someone who will potential cause an even bigger family rift, because its the right thing to do. Getting together with someone despite differences is the whole point of this holiday, and all the holidays in this fall/winter season.

And I mean......not about to complain about the day off from school....added perk!

Feeling Fall

Ohhh October. The arrival of fall, the start of the winter holidays among us and the chill in the air that makes drinking warm coffees a wise choice. Cozy sweaters and wearing tall boots. Of course with this for a student also means midterms and term papers due. The not so great part. But it does also mean Thanksgiving break! A day off! Oh glorious day of thanks!

Now I'm not the biggest fan of the winter holidays. I have a huge very loud family and I tend to find the holidays overly busy running from house to house trying to fit everything in, and extremely loud with kids running hyped up on sugar. I find it a bit too over whelming, so I typically try to hide out on these holidays. In my opinion Thanksgiving is a precursor to Christmas and its just a lot.

But tonight I randomly found myself thanking the fates that it was in fact the start of October because it means that every single grocery store is selling pumpkin pie. Now October may mean the start of midterms and term paper hell, but its also the start of the little thing I like to call "Guilt Free Stress Eating". As I attempt to study, and absorb the millions of trivial facts that I will probably never use again after this semester, I also get to absorb as many carbs and fats as I want without feeling like I am required to run laps or go to the gym. Its a beautiful thing. Now my "eating my feelings" guilt is magically absolved because I am studying for midterms. Win. Such a win.

Now if only I can apply this rule to shopping. I have a craving for new cozy sweaters and new pair of boots. Hmm....

How do you stop the stopped?

I've been so busy with life lately that I haven't really had time to obsess about any of the crap that had been looming over my head all summer. But lately I've felt the sorrow I had been suffering from upon my return from the UK sneak back up on my shoulders, running down my spine and causing shivers.

Have you ever had someone be such a monumental part of your life, only to suddenly evaporate? I had someone in my life that was so close to me that we may as well have been an old married couple . My life was intertwined with his and his with mine that to just have that stop was incredibly hard for me to bear. Even though there were times we hated each other, had arguments over trivial things, and didn't agree on a whole lot, I figured it would always be us against the world. Now he's gone and lately I'm feeling that void so much more than I did initially. He's the one that I would talk to about family issues, and friends, and school. He would come to me about work and about his family stresses. I would always hear about his sucsesses and his triumphs, knowing that in some tiny measurement that I was responsible for them too, just as he was responsible for mine. And now thats gone. And its not like I don't have others involved with my life, but his was different. Even now he is still the voice in my head telling me when something isn't a good idea, and more than anything he's the one I wish I could talk to about everything, mostly the trivial.

Its been literal months. I realize now I depended on so heavily. Should I have been kinder about the situation when it all exploded? Did I deserve the treatment I got? Could I possibly have even stopped this disaster I'm in now without him? I miss him and its been months of missing him. I miss knowing whats going on with him, I miss having him to talk to, I miss being part of his life, and I miss him as part of mine. I sit constantly wondering if he misses me, and if ever thinks of me when he sees things to critical to our relationship. Does he think of me every time he walks past the used bookstore, does he think of me when he puts on his Fluevogs, knowing full well I can't wear mine without thinking of him.

I know I was right to stick up for myself, and to not let someone walk over me (the situation was complicated and I can't even begin to describe how things got so complicated and convuluted through out the last year) but it was months ago. Why can't I let go? How do you let go of something that was such a vital part of your life? And the fact that he could just walk away, does that mean I was never as important to him as he was to me? How could he just walk away and never look back? Why didn't he ever show the remorse for the relationship that I have? Why can't I just let go? Why is this grief still plaging me? I feel drenched in grey, fogged in and grey over the whole thing, and I can't just shake it off.

And I can't imagine ever filling this void, I fear that I'm just going to be enclosed by it forever...and I don't quite know what to do. And its such a unique situation that I don't know anyone else whose ever had to fight with it either. All grief is not created equal. It feels as if a close family member has died...and yet he still lives. He's just someone who I invested years in and yet now, living only across town, wants nothing to do with me, and I think that hurts the most. The close proximity, but the miles between us. And here I am still hoping that one day it will sort itself out...or that I'll at least be able to let go...