Screw you facebook

So. It's started again. All my friends are getting engaged and I'm still hopelessly single. So my whole freaking facebook page is a glow with "omg!!!!"'s and "That ring is amazing!!!"'s. And honestly while I'm happy my friends (who I have barely spoken to in years might I add) seem to be happy. I could give a shit less.

Now. I'm not really in the mood to give a shit that these girls are getting married. I'm not in the mood to whine about how I'm so damn single and looking for a partner in all the wrong places. I'm also in the mood to not have it rubbed in my face how these people are getting hitched and I'm not. How they are so much further along in their lives than I am. How they are more sucessful, and better at life than I am. Screw them, I don't care, but just like being gay or a christian. Do what you want, but don't you dare rub it in my face. These are all just reasons I doubt very much I'm going to my 10 year high school reunion.

Reality Check and Ranting

So as I mentioned The Boy made a surprise visit to the island to take care of some family stuff and as an added bonus we were able to see each other. I gather he actually knew he was coming over long before he mentioned to me he was on the ferry, so I'm a tad annoyed he couldn't have given me more of a heads up.

So I saw him briefly last night and then this morning I had the joy of waking him up (I took coffee and muffins....my momma don't raise no fool) and he was a bit on the snippy side this morning after not having a great sleep, but I was determined to power through. I hadn't slept much either. And so after half an hour of attempting to get him out of bed I was mean and made him get up and shower. Mostly because he had asked the day before if we could connect with T and her daughter because he missed them too.

So we spent the whole day hanging out with them which was nice, but here's where my reality check came in. I'm painfully aware that The Boy and I are extremely undefined and that we lack the social norms of a couple. I have no idea what we're doing and the fact that we are never in the same place seems to make it all the more complicated.

There is so much I am constantly second guessing. He doesn't text me much and then things like calling are a bit sketchy. I have no idea what he wants, and the scary thing is I really have no idea what I want. I thought when we started to "associate" that I wanted a relationship, but now I'm thinking its not a good time. I'm still here and hes over there. I found myself thinking today "What's the point of all this again?".

He is a nice guy, but he is just that a guy. He does a lot of the things guys do that women wish they didn't. And while it may drive me crazy, I'm sure I do a lot of the things that women do that men wish they didn't. But at the same time, what's the point in being with someone when there isn't that mental connection? Sure erm physically things are great, and we were great friends to start so for the most part personality wise there aren't too many surprises, but now we have crossed over to this new place. And I'm panicked I've ruined it all by allowing this to happen. Which was really destined to happen because we found ourselves testing the boundaries of our friendship many times over over the past couple years.

I know I'm being a silly girl about this too, and I think that's another thing that just driving me nuts. I'm being a total girl about this. What's he doing? Why hasn't he called? What does he want? Where do we stand? ALL TOTAL GIRL QUESTIONS. All total girl OBSESSIONS.

Maybe I should be more receptive to just going with the flow?

The last couple times something with our arrangement really drove me up a tree, I just waited it out and eventually things got better. So maybe this is just another time where I need to blurt it all out in a rant to random strangers and keep it from The Boy (till I've calmed down and gotten some sleep) to broach the subject another time because if I do it now we will end up fighting and I could miss out on something great.

So ya here I rant. I'm a silly girl whose in a relationship they don't know how to deal with. Again. Awesome. I need to get back to worrying about myself because while he's gone I still have a life here. And I think its to the point where I need to focus on my life sperate from him until such time that we are together again. Or I can just spew out all this "feminist crap" and still obsess about everything.

Oi.

Feelin Foolish....time to get my head out of my ASS!

OK so I know I haven't been the greatest poster child of commitment this year. I'm about to turn 26 and I'm pretty sure I have no idea where my life is going, and well, I'm not feeling overly excited about school. I feel like I'm missing motivation to be there. There are people that would kill to go to school, and yet I'm just exsisting there. I'm floating.

That being said, I have never been one to take anything sitting down, or slack off, until this year. And tonight I hit an absolute low point. I knew an assignment was due tonight. I had it done and ready to roll. Come time to hand it in an apparently I had ignored the parts actually due. I missed a big chunk of the assignment being due and I have NEVER had this happen before.

I have never not handed something in on time. I have never missed an exam, or had to write it at a later date. I have never called in sick to an exam. I DON'T DO THIS. I'm not late! I'm not someone who does these kinds of things and yet tonight I somehow handed in half an assignment because I wasn't paying enough attention to class and the syllabus to actually realize everything was due.

I felt so stupid! So irresponsible! How could this have happened? This isn't me?

Have I been too distracted and lazy lately? To really be paying attention to things like this? And if that is the case how pathetic is this? And shameful? I'm spending all this time in school hoping to get some sort of clue as to what to do with my life, and I'm pissing it away by not being dedicated?

So I'm very mad at myself. This assignment was worth 15% of my grade and in class the prof said it was either you get 15% or nothing, and seeing as I only did half I have no idea how this marking is going to go. I have emailed (had to rush after class) and asked about handing it in tomorrow and just taking a deduction in marks to hopefully be able to get my mark up...but this could potentially end up being a big hit in my mark.

While I'm really mostly pissed at myself for letting this semester get away from me...this might be the very mark-expensive kick in the ass I needed to get my shit together.

So happy hump day all! I'm officially over my semester "hump" and its time to get my shit together.

Gold Star Moment

Have you ever had a moment, that although you are a supposed grown up, you feel like "damn, I really deserve a gold star for that". I had a moment last night.

Last night I went to my niece (who I've nicknamed Squirt) 's preschool silent auction dinner and dance, because T needed a date and I wasn't up to much so off we went. I drove, and T drank. A lot. And to make things short, she started to drunk text. And when I had the opportunity to lay into the Asscountant for being a total dipshit, I didn't. I kindly told him T was drunk and that if he wanted to contact her tomorrow would be best. I could have said anything to him scot free. I could have called him an ass, or said that he should be ashamed of himself for being so horrible to my niece (his niece technically too not that you'd ever know it because he's never around and never makes time) but I didn't. I had a moment where I thought "What's the point? What will it accomplish?"

I felt very grown up. And I felt like I definitely deserved a freaking gold star.

Whole lot of talkin goin on.

Fido was in town yesterday, and oddly enough he actually made time to see me, which is actually a pretty rare oddity, given that he usually only comes into town for 5 hours to have dinner with his mom (he's a total momma's boy which I think is one of his very few redeeming qualities) then bolt.

SO we went public skating. Also odd because we continue to have the epic battle of the blades between us. I'm a figure skater and he is a hockey player. In fact, we used to run into each other at the rink all the time, and he would make fun of me for being a figure skater and I would tease him for needing a stick to stay standing. But that was a long time ago, and while we really haven't matured all that much, and still argue about which sport is better, I guess at some point we decided to give up the ghost and say that each sport has its merrits. As a side note we actually spent the majority of our time together talking about how to best teach skating, what the differences between skates are, and then most oddly, we talked about big name competitors in skating, what Virtue and Moir are up to this year, what Patrick Chan is up to, and ya it was rather enjoyable because I have this odd feeling Fido keeps up on it just to impress me, or shock me. Either or really. Wins every time, as I never cease to be amazed.

I digress.

So we went skating. And Fido tried to convince me to show him some 'tricks'. To which I said "No not on a public skating session". Truth? I was too scared to do anything because if I fell or made an ass of myself I probably never would have lived it down. He would never have let it go. The epic battle between hockey player and figure skater would have been over and sealed, and I would be responsible for the shame that would befall my own. Soooooo wasn't happening on my watch. See the problem is that I usually only Ice Dance. I don't do a whole lot of jumps or spins in that. In fact I don't do anything. Edge work and foot step sequences yes. But not jumps or spins, and clearly that is what Fido wanted to see. Haven't done any of that in probably 3 years, and I certainly wasn't about to bust them moves for the first time in 3 years infront of a hockey player. Not. Bloody. Likely.

Fido sort of called me on this. Sort of. I don't really think he knows be basically called me on it but he did. Made me realize that damn it, I haven't freeskated in awhile, and while I do heart the ice dance (my lover), that perhaps, its time to go back to being a bit more well rounded, so that my ass doesn't become so well rounded. I was so subtly reminded that, to be on that ice is what I love, I can prefer a facet of skating, but what I love is to be standing on my 1/4inch blades moving around in unique and interesting ways.

He somehow reminded me that there was this whole other side to the sport that I used to do that I no longer partake in, which is wrong. And so today, for the first time in probably 3 years, I went to a skating session and didn't really do any ice dance at all (I did a couple bits and pieces while skating) but other than that I worked on spins and a few jumps and some fiddling around to get from end to end. But ya, just skated. For me. Remembered what I loved about the sport. The freedom. Please note that it was no easy feat to get to the rink either. I'm too cheap to pay for parking at my university so I took the bus, but wasn't paying attention and missed my stop so I had to walk an extra 15 minutes in the cold. Frack.

Damn it I hate that a hockey player had to put me in my place. I will never ever admit it to his face.

Tonight I'm feeling a bit rough. My back hurts, my abs hurt, my feet have skate related blisters for the first time in probably 10 years, and my ass hurts (even though I didn't fall on it...HA). And I feel that seeing as it is Fido's fault I got back out there, that he should be the one here listening to me bitch, or at least offering a foot massage....

Damn hockey players..

A Year in review.

Ahhh another year is ending and we are looking forwards to 2012. If I do say so myself, I am quite pleased to be finished with 2011.

2011 started off well enough I guess. I started work with the Federal Government and was looking good for a term position, but that fell to pot so I was unemployed again (nothing shocking there). I spent almost 6 weeks treking around the UK on a solo vacation, which was the start of many firsts for me!

on either side of Tower Bridge

I had never been off the North American Continent, and I had never been so far away from home, nor had I ever done it alone. So that was a bit crazy. Walking around London by myself realizing that I was by myself, and could do whatever I wanted whenever I wanted? That was just freaking awesome. I wasn't accountable to anyone but myself. I could eat where I wanted, drink what I wanted, and shop as I pleased and see whatever sights I deemed interesting. So yes I spent an hour in Harrods picking out the perfect gift for my mom while eyeing up all the high end designer shoes. And no I didn't check out a single museum in London. Any regrets? Not a single one.

I spent almost weeks on bus tours meeting amazing people from all over the world and started to really understand what it means to never judge a book by its cover. First impressions aren't always right, but your gut feeling never misses. I also learned to stand up for myself because ultimately if you don't stand up for yourself and how you're feeling, no one else will.

Me in the Circus in Bath

UK was amazing for a couple other reasons. I learned that I can do things on my own. Until then I had always had people covering my back. No matter what happened to me I had an army of people behind me to catch me if I feel, and just before leaving for the UK and even more so after returning I realized that I had started to get a bit too dependent on that. Certain people in my life couldn't seem to come to terms with the fact that yes I was very capable of doing things myself, and that I didn't need people to treat me like an infant. A big realization came right as I walked through the security gate to leave for London. The Asscountant felt the need to come with me all the way to Vancovuer, take me to the airport and make sure I got on that plane. He watched my plane take off. Now I know you're all thinking "Ex Student you're nuts that's him showing he cared and he was just doing a nice thing", and to an extent you're right. But before all that I argued with him tooth and nail I could just go over myself and take the bus and take the ferry, but he said no that it was stupid. Now before I start getting all "he said she said" and showing how bitter I am, really my point here is that in 2011 I realized how bloody dependent I was on other people. And it was all the little things that added up to me realizing I couldn't live like that. Isn't part of any relationship blind faith that the other knows what they are doing sometimes?

I spent almost 6 weeks in the UK (England, Scotland and Ireland) and never once did I get lost (ok well that's a bit of lie...I got "turned around" in London but ended up going to Kings Cross and seeing where Harry Potter was filmed and jumped on the Tube and was back to my hotel in no time......so not really lost but was wondering...), or was mugged or got food poisoning. I never once overspent, and I never once got shot or hurt. I was 100% responsible for myself, and everything turned ok peachy. I found my tours, and managed the tubes, I saw a West End Show at night and made it home safely, I had ice cream in Hyde Park and saw Buckingham Palace. I got on the trains and got myself to Manchester, and got myself to and from Dublin by bus and ferry. All came up daisies :)

So I came back from England and didn't let people step all over me. And apparently that meant I had changed too much, and the Asscountant and I went our separate ways. He said I had changed too much, I said I just didn't want him to control my life for me. He had also made some pretty harsh comments about how I am choosing to live my life, and he also mentioned that I was a pain in his ass (in other words but the jist is still the same). I still stipulate to this day that if it had not been for me, he would never have made it to where he is, and would have dropped out of CASB after he failed a module.

Its taken me quite awhile, and while I still miss this person that was so intricately woven into my life, I'm realizing that I can make it without them, and that I certainly don't need people in my life doubting my decisions. Who want things from me but don't reciprocate.

After my UK trip I went back to working with the Federal Government to finish out the last of my contract. After that I basically lounged around for the summer, taking temp gigs and doing whatever I wanted. Which I'm sure did not thrill my parents. But it made for a great summer.  I did manage to see the Pixies in concert and took in Wicked in Vancouver (saw it in NY originally but the Vancouver one was decent). Also saw Dralion the travelling show with my parents which sounds geeky but was totally awesome.

Jasper National Park

I also spent a week with my other sister Krazy (again not her name just a cute nickname) and her son and my other nephew JYD (again...a nickname) going from Victoria to Valemont (hillbilly hell...) to Edmonton (shopping!!) to Jasper National Park. All in this time span Krazy destroyed almost 1000$ of eyewear. All mine, and I was blind. But there was something incredibly cool about seeing more of my own back yard. I got to see what makes this country so beautiful. I got to be a bit of a tourist and of course as I wasn't working it was nice to meander and do whatever. Also cool? Jasper has hotsprings and tons of goats running around! Also got to see moose!! Also learned that I cannot spend a week in a car with Krazy's son because hes an arse. But that's totally another story. Honestly contemplated pushing him off a cliff. We also drove through Banff National Park and I got to see the glacier and JYD I treked to the top, in like jeans and t shirts while people around us had actual gear on....oh well! We survived!

Anway. Still grieving the loss of the Asscountant and having to come to terms with the declining health of my Granddad, I decided to go back to school and take classes. I had the funds and the time and no jobs were coming available so why not? That's not true actually. I could have gone to work with SeaSpan ship builders because of my Federal Government training but it didn't seem like a good idea at the time. I could have also gone to start another school program off the Island but I decided against it. Which I do believe in the end was the right choice.

The edge of the glacier in Banff National Park

I took classes that I figured would eventually get me in a good place to apply to better grad programs and it suited me anyways because after a very long struggle with Pulmonary Fibrosis my Granddad passed away and as a result my life crumbled a bit. He had always been someone impartial in my life that I could talk to about anything. We had lenghty conversations about everything and anything and he always understood me. We had a really unique relationship compared to the rest of my cousins. They saw him as an authority figure, I saw him as the loveable Granddad that always had advice for me. He always believed in me doing whatever I wanted to do and not taking any shit for it. Those were pretty much his exact words "Always do what you think is best, don't take shit from anyone else about it". Also he told me that I had a good head on my shoulders and that with it I could never go wrong trusting my gut. I still feel his loss. Every day. But I realize that he wouldn't have wanted me to be too wrapped up in it that I couldn't live my life.


One of the reasons I decided not to move off the Island is that I knew the minute I did, he would pass away and I would be right back where I started, so now I can move without worrying about him. Wanting to be close by to be near him was really important to me and now that he's passed, I can literally move on too.

Il Pacas at the fair!

So with that all happening, (and with the Saanich Fair happening in there somewhere too) I took a semester of school and seemed to do fairly well. I became a shoulder to cry on and friend for advice for my old work supervisor as she returned to University after years of being with the federal government. I became a study buddy to so most amazing people with shitty time management skills (but oh well it all worked out in the end lol).

My friend T went back to school and seems to be kicking butt and taking names in her Office administration program, which means that together we are one step closer to world domination (I swear get enough coffee and sugar in us and we could do it). Her daughter Squirt (not her real name I assure you but my nickname for her) had a busy year as well, she turned three started preschool and the best part (in my humble opinion) got her first skating badge!!!!! So proud of her accomplishments!

Squirts First time skating!! Us having a pow wow.

Taking Squirt to skating lessons every Saturday I'm sure had fufilled any maternal instinct my ovaries might have ever felt, and it was actually a lot of fun! We did two sessions of parent and tot skating lessons (first session we had a terrible instructor, second instructor was incredibly cute and yes I have a ridiculous crush on him). It also kept us busy with life as both T and I had suffered significant family losses this year.

And with that school continued to pass by as did the fall and we were soon into winter and my skating club decided that this year will be its last with active skaters, with us taking next year to close down completely. I shattered by this decision have really stepped away from my skating club. I also recieved by level one promotion so I've been to and from skating competitions a lot this year which has been awesome.

Every time I go to a skating competition I learn something new about skating, the people involved and skating and even myself. I learn a new trick to my position, I learn whose butt to kiss and who to stay away from, and I learn that I myself never want to be like these people and if given the chance, I want to be able to help change Figure Skating in Canada. I want more people to have the opportunity to skate and I want everyone to remember that we as volunteers are here for the skaters and for the sport. Not to be power tripping dictators, which is sadly sometimes the case.

My dog Roo!!!

As I'm reviewing my year I'm trying to think of all the things I did and places I went. Trying to figure out where things like concerts and such fit in and when I went where. I know I went to a 3 Days grace concert and saw Finger 11 live with the Envy but where they all fit in is a bit vauge. I also stopped associating with one of my oldest friends because she couldn't get over her jealousy or something (?) with me going to England (seems that trip pissed off a lot of people lol) and sadly the fact that I don't really miss their crappy attitude was another rude awakening. Apparently according to T and my Mom I'm a lot nicer now that I don't hang around this person. I know I volunteered with skating and such like a crazy person. Always the person to jump in and help out when needed, but I certainly cut back on things like volunteering at the hospital and didn't take a gig with the SPCA like I've always wanted to. This year also brought me Roo!!! My communal family dog!! Technically BB's dog but he spends so much time with my dad at the farm hes mostly communal. And he's the absolute best thing. Best dog in the world hands down.

Vans Warped Tour 2011 The Gorge

Along the lines in here somewhere I managed to take a couple road trips with my sister BB to see a couple concerts. We took in The Vans Warped Tour in Gorge WA, which was fantastic, and in November we saw the Michael Jackson Immortal Tour which was ok. 

I know they say that how you spend your New Years Eve is how you will spend the rest of the year, and after the year I've had, if 2012 is a quiet year surrounded by awesome family (as much as they drive me literally insane) and amazing friends, then I will consider myself incredibly lucky.

Happy New Year All!! Whatever you do tonight I hope you have a fantastic (and safe) one!!!

The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

So in this post I'm going to sound like I'm gloating, but stick with it because I'm not.

Growing up, I never wanted for anything. Every day I got up in the morning, put on clean clothes, put on good shoes, got driven to school by my mom, had a home made lunch, got picked up from school by my mom and then taken to skating lessons multiple times a week by my mom. Home cooked meals every night and a family dinner around the dinner table. Skating lessons, skating trips across the country, family vacations to Disneyland, Hawaii and across the country. Getting closer to my point, every year at Christmas there were always presents under the tree. I usually got everything I wanted on my list whether I needed it or not. There was always a big Christmas breakfast, and a huge Christmas dinner with the whole family. There was never any indication to me that there was any other way one might have a Christmas.

As I got older and started to become a little more aware of the world around me, I started to realize that I was really really naive, and extremely fortunate. I have always volunteered (for just about everything one could ever ask one to do). Teaching skating, volunteering at the hospital, events where extra crew were needed, if you ask I will most likely do, and for many years now I have been getting more and more involved with Santa's Anonymous.

For those of you who might not know, Santa's Anonymous (Santa's as we usually refer to it as) is a non-profit organization that gets together to provide family's that find themselves in need around the Holiday season with a Christmas hamper and presents for the kids. Families put in a request to Santa's, and the (amazing) volunteers get together and put the items that the children want for gifts on the back of paper bears. These bears go to the mall and people at the mall can pick a bear, go and get the gift, donate it to Santa's where the (extraordinary) volunteers then match the present with the family, wrap it, label it and get it to the family along with a food hamper.

This is a huge undertaking. These volunteers? They are just that, they are volunteers, they do not get paid and they do everything they do because they want to help. Most of them have other jobs that they do from 9-5, then they volunteer in the malls helping with the bears, or at the "workshop" wrapping presents and building hampers (ya not easy might I add). I have so much respect for these people that take this on because I think how selfless they are is truly amazing.

This is the time of year where things start to get busy and hectic. Time is tight, money is tight, everything comes down to the wire, and I get that. This is the time of year where everyone is busy, everyone has one event or another to run off to.

This year, I know for a great many people has not been an easy one. The economy is in the tank, and jobs are hard to come by. And that is why this year more than ever I am eager to give back just as much as I can.

I had dinner with my parents and their friends tonight (I'm a mooch and a geek and I love it..) and we got talking about all the scandals you keep hearing about people ripping off charities, thinking they can take advantage and make a quick buck, or how charities in general operate but not to the advantage of the local community. We also got talking about how now that the economy has been so rough that people are giving less, and fewer people are volunteering. After all this talk my stomach started to hurt.

There is so much bad in the world, and so many terrible things going on, yet so few people are willing to help out. So I put it to all of you (the very few who stumble upon my blog...) who have jobs, and food for proper meals, and time to spend with family and friends. Those that, like me have always been fortunate enough to have all they have ever needed, find the time to really give back this Holiday season. Donate some cans of food. Instead of your triple expresso caramel latte with extra sprinkles, skip the coffee and dump the change in the food bank donation bin (or if you really must, get the regular drip, its half the price). Take the time to enjoy the fact that you as a human being can show compassion to another human being.

If moneys tight (I know mine is) donate your time. And don't feed me that crap about "I have kids and we have no spare time"....because that's CRAP. Take them with you. Teach them the importance of what it is to be human, because lets face it. The more and more things turn to crap, the more we all need to lean on each other, and the more we learn that we can be there for each other and not want anything in return, is really what makes this the most wonderful time of the year.

Being able to appreciate what you have, and those you have around you, while helping out fellow man is the most amazing gift you can give to yourself. Its what I give myself every year, and what my parents have given to me my whole life. Giving really is the best gift, and I challenge any of you to prove me other wise :)

Yes, no, yes, no, yes - my rant about my life

Ever feel totally and utterly without a clue? Like you know what you want, but you haven't a clue how to get there, or what that 'want' is? Well that seems to be my problem lately.

Upon entry into the workforce, I started to notice this really baffling trend. With every 12 applications/resumes I put out, only MAYBE one response was coming back. I have a list of places I have applied to for jobs (that do not necessarily use my degree) and rarely do I get an interview. Now I know it sounds obnoxious, but given that every summer I've always been able to line up great summer jobs, I figured after graduating, that SOMETHING would come up, if not the perfect job fine (I was willing to take whatever) but something to make me some cash. Well, turns out? The job search front sucks. Apparently due to the tanking of the economy seen not only in the USA, but also in Canada the majority of companies are looking to downsize, not hire. Anyone that was laid off in the cut backs are now applying along with the recent grads, except they have the one thing we lack. This golden thing called experience.

Now here's the kicker, for me mostly. Even when searching for jobs, and blasting through job postings, there is nothing I really want. With the exception of a couple (which of course I have not heard back from) I haven't applied for anything I want to do. None of the applications I have put out have been for jobs that I would kill to do, but simply wouldn't mind doing for a little while. I know I want to travel next spring, but I also know to do that I need to make some money. So what to do? When I sit and think about what I want to do, what is it that would make me happy? Why isn't my degree helping me get anywhere? Why don't I want to work in a lab (which is basically all my BSc has made me good for, not that I'm certified or anything...even that is more schooling).

So after careful consideration I decided to start talking to career councilors at various schools, starting with my most current university. We talked and came to a decision that I should yes be in healthcare, and that yes that's what I want but that rehabilitation is probably what's best for me, and that most likely physiotherapy training (getting a masters of physiotherapy) would most likely be along the lines of me doing what I enjoy most. Well ok great. A plan! Woot! This I can handle! How do I do that?

Apparently to do that I must have a BSc (CHECK! WOOT!) but I also have to have this huge whack of pre-recs. Ok...well...that sucks but thats fine. Get pre-recs for physio and up my GPA at the same time. Seems smart to me. Can't find a job anyways, might as well go retail or service industry and go back to school. Well...as always it turns out that the pre recs add up to almost an entire other degree. WTF was the point of the first one then? DAMN IT! Fine, ok, more careful consideration, and talks with my mom, sure suck it up do it if it makes me happy. Ugh. School. Awesome. Turns out the school I graded from has this awesome Kinesiology program that would give me the best chance at physio. Fine I conceed, back to school I go to re-apply. Brilliant.

After reapplying to school I find out that not only do I not have the GPA to get into the kinesiology program, but that I also am missing two pre-recs for that class, and at that point I may as well go back and do a whole other damn semester. OK SERIOUSLY. Where it gets even more annoying is that my school and a few of the others I have looked at and spoken to all say the same thing. There are X# of spots available, we line the GPA's up and at X# we draw a line. Above the line gets in, below thanks for coming out but sorry you're out.

So here I sit. Totally conflicted. Do I go back or not? If I go back it means finding the cash for a full school semester, and having to work a job while in school to do it. Thats the shits. It also means the possibility that I might not find anything part time that is flexible around school. And to top it off there is a good chance I won't even get in to the program. And then there is the extremely unpleasent thought that I would have to go back and boost my GPA which means working my ass off, and what happens if I don't get the right grades? Then what? Do I want to waste another semester? Would it really be wasting? Should I apply to both Kinesiology at my current university, but should I also take the time to apply to Physio schools all over the place and just see what happens? Why should GPA determine all of this? I get it, you want the best of the best, but what does GPA have to do with it? I know they want someone that makes an effort but why not look at things like extra cirriculars, and what kind of person you are? Why does being able to kiss a proff's butt matter when you could be out there making a difference too? Shouldn't that matter?

Ugh this is totally fustrating. My mom says to go back if I don't find a job that I love, because the job front is so poor anyways, and I think that's what I will end up doing, but I have to get into school first.

All through out University, I just had this feeling like everything would work out as it should. And thats mostly what happened. Summer jobs were always there, and classes always worked out as they needed to, and now? Well I don't know. Temping popped up when I started to feel crunched for money. So maybe I should just wait it out and see where life leads me?

So here I sit, totally confused, feeling unemployable, uneducated and over whelmed. To anyone out there feeling any of the above, I feel for you and know that you are not alone. Not in any way shape or form. We can do this! We can make it! We can get back at this terribly economy. I know I plan to tomorrow while spending some much needed time in the mall amping up my wardrobe (and before you all judge me know that that I currently only have one office appropriate outfit and I'm temping all next week so I need at least another pair of pants to swap every other day :P)