You know there are days I question just how the hell I function. In fact there are days where I question just how the hell I haven't been voted off the island by natural selection, as there is no way I can be considered 'the fittest' of our species.
As much as I have been trying lately, I've lost a bit of my school mojo, and seeing as that's all I have to keep me out of the house these days, its made getting up for school a bit difficult. I am no morning person, this I know, but apparently I'm also not a "morning getting dressed person" because today was the second time in probably a week that I managed to put my leggings on backwards. And both times it took HOURS to realize that's why they didn't feel comfortable. HOURS of wondering why my my leggings (that usually after November 1st I wear for extra warmth under my pants) are riding up my ass, and why they won't seem to stay down revealing over an inch of ankle. Keep in mind that the first time I did this I ripped my leggings (only the second time I'd ever worn them too damn it!), and in the same week ripped my absolute favourite pair of jeans across the knee (the jeans that survived England might I add....DAMN IT).
Ya, not a morning person, 25 and apparently cannot figure out how to dress myself still. Awesome.
Thank goodness it's reading break this week and I'll get a chance to recharge my batteries, or at least it's an excuse to get up everyday and do something other than school without guilt.
Monday, November 7, 2011
Sunday, November 6, 2011
That was one cold night....
My sister and I are the queens of cheap. We love to go to concerts/festivals and we rarely let the fact that we live on an island get in our way. The only complicating factor about the island thing? Well it means that to go to the mainland we have to take the ferry...which runs about $75 a way. So it adds about $150 to the excursion. Now add the fact that the ferry schedule is a bit limited so by the time any concert gets out we are SOL for getting home the same night, you're also looking at a hotel. That's if you're not my sister and I who are the self proclaimed cheap concert queens. We decided a long time ago that if we were to go to all these concerts (a LOT...not so much recently but in past years yes) that we were going to have to find a way to cut corners on cost and well hotel was cut.
Let's do the math shall we?We decided that by the time the concert was over around 11:00/11:30, you would probably get to the hotel around 12:30 (gotta have post concert munchies and such) which means that you're not getting to bed till about 1. The ferry leaves at 7:00, which means we have to be there around 6, meaning we would have to leave the hotel at 5:30 or so, meaning we would get a grand total of 4.5 hours of sleep AT MOST for the price of about $100 give or take. Seems like a lot of money to spend on four hours of sleep....so we decided to screw that noise and sleep at the ferry terminal.
Last night was one of those such nights. Over a year ago the Asscountant and I decided we wanted to see the Michael Jackson Immortal Tour put on by Cirque Du Soleil. Other than Frank Sinatra, Michael Jackson was the only other musical artist in 10 years of dating/friendship we could agree on. Me being as invested in music as I am, and him being such a huge stick in the mud, it was almost impossible to agree on musical outings so the idea we could both go and enjoy something, was a huge selling point to get the tickets. Well, a year later he and I don't talk and I was left with these tickets. Now I did have insurance on them so I could have returned them but that Asscountant be damned I was going to this show. So my sister offered to come along, and in return I told her if she paid for the whole ferry we would call the ticket price even.
Off we went to Vancouver, hopped on the ferry and made our way to the downtown core. My sister and I travel really well together, we usually just go with the flow and this trip was no exception. Upon arrival to downtown we knew we immediately needed to get a good meal in our bellies. So we grabbed burger and beers at the LampLighter pub in gastown and man was it an unexpected delight! Awesome beer selection (just wish it had a few more imports but it did have Magners on tap so I was THRILLED...until they told me they were out...so Kronenburg it was). Their menu was pub-fare-esque but not boring (Chicken and Waffle sandwich anyone???) and the fries tasty (yummo!).
After dinner we wandered into Rogers Arena for the show. I knew the show would be sold out so I was super excited to be a part of the experience. I don't know what it is about being at a concert when the house is full, the energy is just incredible and you almost get wrapped up in the ambience of the arena that you forget why you're there. You feed off everyone else energy.
The show started and it was ok. I've seen a couple Cirque shows in the past, including O in Vegas which in itself was an amazing acrobatic aquatic feat. So to go from O to the immortal tour was a bit of a let down (shockingly enough just like my ill-fated relationship with the Asscountant!!). Don't get me wrong it was an awesome show! But it was just that, a show, more of a dance performance than an acrobatic/circus show. I showed up expecting to see Cirque's take on MJ, and well it was mostly MJ's "This is it" movie done by Cirque's dancers, which was fine, enjoyable and entertaining even, but a bit of a downer (again...much like my relationship with the Asscountant....I'm starting to see a pattern...are you?).
I don't mean to be cynnical. If you are an MJ fan whose seen the show and really enjoyed it then I have no desire to wreck your high, but it just wasn't what I was expecting. It felt like a concert but with no lead singer. I kept feeling like MJ himself would at any random point come out and start singing, because I truly believed it would have been his vision. I saw the "This is it" movie, and the Cirque show was a lot like a tribute the to concert that would have been, and it made me with that much more that I could have seen it. But I wanted death defying stunts and crazy acrobatics to MJ music. Which sort of happened. Anyways.
So we saw the show (which for the record my sister thinks I'm crazy for not being awed by in case at this point you've kept reading but are super annoyed at me for hating...which usually I wouldn't give a rip about but I have a very strong belief that one should NEVER mock the dead). After the show we made the realization that it was Daylight Savings. Which means that we would gain an extra hour of sleep. In the car. In November. This perhaps was the monumental flaw in the plan on my part. I didn't realize how cold it would be in the car. And I only brought one sad pathetic blanket and thin yoga pants. My sister brought two blankets, Ugg boots, sweatsuit and a down coat to sleep in.
To say the very least it was a rather chilly night at about 4 degrees. With me and my sad excuse for warm clothes. I did have my skating clothes so I had an extra fleece layer and skating tights which I did throw on in the middle of the night but MAN ALIVE my cheapness froze my ass last night!!! Most annoying thing? I know for damn sure the Asscountant would have sprung for the hotel. Ass-hole.
Let's do the math shall we?We decided that by the time the concert was over around 11:00/11:30, you would probably get to the hotel around 12:30 (gotta have post concert munchies and such) which means that you're not getting to bed till about 1. The ferry leaves at 7:00, which means we have to be there around 6, meaning we would have to leave the hotel at 5:30 or so, meaning we would get a grand total of 4.5 hours of sleep AT MOST for the price of about $100 give or take. Seems like a lot of money to spend on four hours of sleep....so we decided to screw that noise and sleep at the ferry terminal.
Last night was one of those such nights. Over a year ago the Asscountant and I decided we wanted to see the Michael Jackson Immortal Tour put on by Cirque Du Soleil. Other than Frank Sinatra, Michael Jackson was the only other musical artist in 10 years of dating/friendship we could agree on. Me being as invested in music as I am, and him being such a huge stick in the mud, it was almost impossible to agree on musical outings so the idea we could both go and enjoy something, was a huge selling point to get the tickets. Well, a year later he and I don't talk and I was left with these tickets. Now I did have insurance on them so I could have returned them but that Asscountant be damned I was going to this show. So my sister offered to come along, and in return I told her if she paid for the whole ferry we would call the ticket price even.
Off we went to Vancouver, hopped on the ferry and made our way to the downtown core. My sister and I travel really well together, we usually just go with the flow and this trip was no exception. Upon arrival to downtown we knew we immediately needed to get a good meal in our bellies. So we grabbed burger and beers at the LampLighter pub in gastown and man was it an unexpected delight! Awesome beer selection (just wish it had a few more imports but it did have Magners on tap so I was THRILLED...until they told me they were out...so Kronenburg it was). Their menu was pub-fare-esque but not boring (Chicken and Waffle sandwich anyone???) and the fries tasty (yummo!).
After dinner we wandered into Rogers Arena for the show. I knew the show would be sold out so I was super excited to be a part of the experience. I don't know what it is about being at a concert when the house is full, the energy is just incredible and you almost get wrapped up in the ambience of the arena that you forget why you're there. You feed off everyone else energy.
The show started and it was ok. I've seen a couple Cirque shows in the past, including O in Vegas which in itself was an amazing acrobatic aquatic feat. So to go from O to the immortal tour was a bit of a let down (shockingly enough just like my ill-fated relationship with the Asscountant!!). Don't get me wrong it was an awesome show! But it was just that, a show, more of a dance performance than an acrobatic/circus show. I showed up expecting to see Cirque's take on MJ, and well it was mostly MJ's "This is it" movie done by Cirque's dancers, which was fine, enjoyable and entertaining even, but a bit of a downer (again...much like my relationship with the Asscountant....I'm starting to see a pattern...are you?).
I don't mean to be cynnical. If you are an MJ fan whose seen the show and really enjoyed it then I have no desire to wreck your high, but it just wasn't what I was expecting. It felt like a concert but with no lead singer. I kept feeling like MJ himself would at any random point come out and start singing, because I truly believed it would have been his vision. I saw the "This is it" movie, and the Cirque show was a lot like a tribute the to concert that would have been, and it made me with that much more that I could have seen it. But I wanted death defying stunts and crazy acrobatics to MJ music. Which sort of happened. Anyways.
So we saw the show (which for the record my sister thinks I'm crazy for not being awed by in case at this point you've kept reading but are super annoyed at me for hating...which usually I wouldn't give a rip about but I have a very strong belief that one should NEVER mock the dead). After the show we made the realization that it was Daylight Savings. Which means that we would gain an extra hour of sleep. In the car. In November. This perhaps was the monumental flaw in the plan on my part. I didn't realize how cold it would be in the car. And I only brought one sad pathetic blanket and thin yoga pants. My sister brought two blankets, Ugg boots, sweatsuit and a down coat to sleep in.
To say the very least it was a rather chilly night at about 4 degrees. With me and my sad excuse for warm clothes. I did have my skating clothes so I had an extra fleece layer and skating tights which I did throw on in the middle of the night but MAN ALIVE my cheapness froze my ass last night!!! Most annoying thing? I know for damn sure the Asscountant would have sprung for the hotel. Ass-hole.
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
November.....you frigid meanie!
Happy November 1st to all! I hope you had an amazing Halloween, celebrating the holiday in whatever way makes you happiest...or given the theme, whatever scares you shat-less. For me it meant coming home from my evening class having a quick drink with my family at our annual bonfire party before retreating inside to watch Scream (the original) why cramming my ass off for my anatomy lab quiz this afternoon. It was a rough October so I feel curling up on the couch eating Halloween candy was an appropriate way to end the month. Best thing was that I was supposed to have a midterm tomorrow but it was postponed to next week, proof that miracles exist!
With last night being a late night because I half studied while watching slasher movies till roughly 1 in the morning before playing angry birds till I finally was able to come down from my self imposed sugar rush to fall asleep, getting up this morning to haul my ass to school for an early class through the cold was the last thing I wanted to do.
Well turns out it was the tip of the ice berg. Literally. Upon my arrival home from class last night there were too many cars in my driveway to pull into my usual spot in the garage, so I parked outside thinking I would move the car in once the party was over. Well the party went pretty late and by the time everyone had moved I had totally forgotten about the car. So this morning when I finally hauled my sorry ass out of bed, hobbled around my house to pee change and brush my fangs, and went to the garage to drive to school, I realized like an idiot I had left the car outside. Figuring it was no problem (and of course cutting it really short on time) I walked out my front door to turn the corner to the car park to see my beautiful car (Alejandro) completely covered in a thick layer of ice. ICE. FREAKING ICE.
Now I know I shouldn't be complaining. I live in BC (best coast in my opinion) and not only that, I live on the most western part of BC where we relish in the fact that we rarely get snow, and it rarely dips into negative temperatures unlike the rest of the country. But that is EXACTLY why I live here. I don't tolerate cold well. I can't stand it (ya ya irony being that I spend all my spare time freezing my non-exsistent nuts off on an ice rink). I hate cold, and I hate snow, and I hate having to wear multiple layers. So having to scrape ice off my window this morning was NOT a happy experience. What was even more annoying was having to admit I needed the scrapper that my ex-boyfriend-then-best-friend-for-many-years-after-that-before -he-turned-into-a-total-jackwad (lets nickname him The Ass-Accountant Assccountant for short) made me keep in my car because that jackward knew damn well that just because he told me I would need it one day that I would need one because he was such an asshole like that. So I had to scrape ice off my window this morning. November you are a frigid beast.
I am determined that November will be better than October. Things have been rough and I know November will not be easy. With a funeral to go to and a bunch of things I will have to leave town for and school finals to deal with, but I am determined I can make it work if I just stay focused determined, and hopefully warm. You watch out November I'm coming for you!
With last night being a late night because I half studied while watching slasher movies till roughly 1 in the morning before playing angry birds till I finally was able to come down from my self imposed sugar rush to fall asleep, getting up this morning to haul my ass to school for an early class through the cold was the last thing I wanted to do.
Well turns out it was the tip of the ice berg. Literally. Upon my arrival home from class last night there were too many cars in my driveway to pull into my usual spot in the garage, so I parked outside thinking I would move the car in once the party was over. Well the party went pretty late and by the time everyone had moved I had totally forgotten about the car. So this morning when I finally hauled my sorry ass out of bed, hobbled around my house to pee change and brush my fangs, and went to the garage to drive to school, I realized like an idiot I had left the car outside. Figuring it was no problem (and of course cutting it really short on time) I walked out my front door to turn the corner to the car park to see my beautiful car (Alejandro) completely covered in a thick layer of ice. ICE. FREAKING ICE.
Now I know I shouldn't be complaining. I live in BC (best coast in my opinion) and not only that, I live on the most western part of BC where we relish in the fact that we rarely get snow, and it rarely dips into negative temperatures unlike the rest of the country. But that is EXACTLY why I live here. I don't tolerate cold well. I can't stand it (ya ya irony being that I spend all my spare time freezing my non-exsistent nuts off on an ice rink). I hate cold, and I hate snow, and I hate having to wear multiple layers. So having to scrape ice off my window this morning was NOT a happy experience. What was even more annoying was having to admit I needed the scrapper that my ex-boyfriend-then-best-friend-for-many-years-after-that-before -he-turned-into-a-total-jackwad (lets nickname him The Ass-Accountant Assccountant for short) made me keep in my car because that jackward knew damn well that just because he told me I would need it one day that I would need one because he was such an asshole like that. So I had to scrape ice off my window this morning. November you are a frigid beast.
I am determined that November will be better than October. Things have been rough and I know November will not be easy. With a funeral to go to and a bunch of things I will have to leave town for and school finals to deal with, but I am determined I can make it work if I just stay focused determined, and hopefully warm. You watch out November I'm coming for you!
Monday, October 31, 2011
72 Days of Tricks?
So today is Halloween, but I'm not feeling overly festive about the whole thing. I spent my weekend at a skating competition running around like crazy dealing with crazy skating competition things, ignoring all school related things that I probably should have tried to fit in. So today when I woke up, and the school panic set in, I guess I just don't have any mental capacity left to put Halloween in there along with it. That and I have class till 7:10 or so tonight and a midterm that I am desperate to do well on coming on Wednesday, then an assignment from hell, and well you get the idea.
So besides all the school drama, I'm also trying to sort though my emotional drama and family drama, while trying to maintain some sort of a real life. Very busy tangled mess I weave huh?
So maybe this whole emotional side of things is what has me feeling sympathetic or maybe even a bit down about the whole Kim Kardashian Kris Humphries divorce-dealy. 72 days of marriage and their calling it quits. Was the whole thing a rouse? Did these two ever really care for each other or did they get together, have fun together, think "well we might as well get hitched because the media will eat it all up and its expected of us", then realize halfway through the wedding plans that they really didn't like each other? That they were meant to be short term rather than long term? Or was it all publicity from the start?
All that money on the wedding, all the media attention all the shenanigans! Don't you find this whole thing so sad? Maybe its my soul that was previously suffocated by bad relationships and poor choices is starting to breath again and remembering that I really do believe in happily ever after. I want to believe that relationships can last and that things do work out...but with cases like this doesn't it sting to think that there's people out there that will do the crazy wedding, but totally forget that there's a marriage after to work on?
Maybe it is because my soul is finally fighting back into my reality that I am so bothered by these two people that are so heavily in the media and their relationship. Don't feed me that whole "you chose to be invested in the media about this one, if it bothers you don't watch and leave them alone" because those two want to be on TV. They are part of a TV show, and he plays basketball on TV. Their wedding was on TV and all their excess has been well documented. I don't want the show or basketball and I don't actively follow many blogs about it, and when I do see info its usually because I just want to look at the wedding dress and don't really care about the wedding. Everyone and their dog knew about this wedding and then now its over? You spent all that money, and time, to push pomp and circumstance around and it was all for not?
I find this incredibly sad. How much hope is there for the rest of us when these two incredibly priviledged individuals, who are not overly educated, are not doing anything good for others but have a ton of cash to blow, take it and have this huge wedding, and then break up 72 days later because they can't cut it. I fear that its events like this that ruin it for the rest of us. We are getting so used to seeing things break apart, and fall apart, where does the good come from anymore?
So besides all the school drama, I'm also trying to sort though my emotional drama and family drama, while trying to maintain some sort of a real life. Very busy tangled mess I weave huh?
So maybe this whole emotional side of things is what has me feeling sympathetic or maybe even a bit down about the whole Kim Kardashian Kris Humphries divorce-dealy. 72 days of marriage and their calling it quits. Was the whole thing a rouse? Did these two ever really care for each other or did they get together, have fun together, think "well we might as well get hitched because the media will eat it all up and its expected of us", then realize halfway through the wedding plans that they really didn't like each other? That they were meant to be short term rather than long term? Or was it all publicity from the start?
All that money on the wedding, all the media attention all the shenanigans! Don't you find this whole thing so sad? Maybe its my soul that was previously suffocated by bad relationships and poor choices is starting to breath again and remembering that I really do believe in happily ever after. I want to believe that relationships can last and that things do work out...but with cases like this doesn't it sting to think that there's people out there that will do the crazy wedding, but totally forget that there's a marriage after to work on?
Maybe it is because my soul is finally fighting back into my reality that I am so bothered by these two people that are so heavily in the media and their relationship. Don't feed me that whole "you chose to be invested in the media about this one, if it bothers you don't watch and leave them alone" because those two want to be on TV. They are part of a TV show, and he plays basketball on TV. Their wedding was on TV and all their excess has been well documented. I don't want the show or basketball and I don't actively follow many blogs about it, and when I do see info its usually because I just want to look at the wedding dress and don't really care about the wedding. Everyone and their dog knew about this wedding and then now its over? You spent all that money, and time, to push pomp and circumstance around and it was all for not?
I find this incredibly sad. How much hope is there for the rest of us when these two incredibly priviledged individuals, who are not overly educated, are not doing anything good for others but have a ton of cash to blow, take it and have this huge wedding, and then break up 72 days later because they can't cut it. I fear that its events like this that ruin it for the rest of us. We are getting so used to seeing things break apart, and fall apart, where does the good come from anymore?
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Outta Ma WAY!
You know that episode of Sex and the City, where after breaking up with Big Carrie obsesses about their break up. To the point where her friends (who I must say are able to put up with an obscene amount of crap between the four of them) tell her that she needs to see a shrink? Well I feel I'm there. I feel like I have whined, moaned and obsessed about all the shit going on in my life that people around me MUST be sick of it by now. No one has said anything, but I'm just starting to feel that I have to stop with all the negativity. I can't ignore my grief and circumstance, but that shouldn't stop me from moving forward.
The only way to move on, is to continue on, and for me that means doing that things that were, and for me that means bitching about other people. And man today do I have a gooder.
So yesterday in class a girl sat down beside me (very important we note that SHE sat beside ME....and I don't know her...) and she spent the entire 50 minutes fidgeting around, eatting, playing angry birds on her iphone, and doing basically everything but paying attention to the professor and engaging in the class. Now I get it, this particular class wasn't all that entertaining, but the fact that everyone else in the row (which for the record is the second so we are up front and centre) was paying attention....and here she was fidgeting and shaking the seat and being extremely distracting.
So this morning to prevent myself from sitting beside miss "I came to play angry birds while having my breakfast, and annoy those sitting around me", I made sure to put my bag down on top of the table in front of the seat beside me. Thinking this would encourage her to STAY AWAY, I continued to pull out my things and prepare for class.....and guess what? SHE SAT DOWN ANYWAYS!
I'm sorry? Do I look like a people person? Do I seem friendly? Is there some sort of reason that you must sit in that exact chair??!?!?! When there are multiple other free seats, not only in my row but in rows both in front and behind mine????? Why must you sit beside me???? TAKE THE HINT.
And yes, today just like yesterday this chick, ate breakfast, played on her phone, riffled through her back pack, shaking the table, and all together annoying the hell out of everyone around her. Seriously? Why does she bother coming to class? She doesn't take notes? she just sits there will all her food spread out all over the table pushing my stuff out of the way crowding me (the one writing notes down).
Next class is Friday...and the game plan is to put my bag on her chair, and leave it there...and if chickie-poo decides to move my stuff I am going to handle it maturely and rationally....and tell her to GO THE EFF HOME!
Huh...that really did help me feel better......
The only way to move on, is to continue on, and for me that means doing that things that were, and for me that means bitching about other people. And man today do I have a gooder.
So yesterday in class a girl sat down beside me (very important we note that SHE sat beside ME....and I don't know her...) and she spent the entire 50 minutes fidgeting around, eatting, playing angry birds on her iphone, and doing basically everything but paying attention to the professor and engaging in the class. Now I get it, this particular class wasn't all that entertaining, but the fact that everyone else in the row (which for the record is the second so we are up front and centre) was paying attention....and here she was fidgeting and shaking the seat and being extremely distracting.
So this morning to prevent myself from sitting beside miss "I came to play angry birds while having my breakfast, and annoy those sitting around me", I made sure to put my bag down on top of the table in front of the seat beside me. Thinking this would encourage her to STAY AWAY, I continued to pull out my things and prepare for class.....and guess what? SHE SAT DOWN ANYWAYS!
I'm sorry? Do I look like a people person? Do I seem friendly? Is there some sort of reason that you must sit in that exact chair??!?!?! When there are multiple other free seats, not only in my row but in rows both in front and behind mine????? Why must you sit beside me???? TAKE THE HINT.
And yes, today just like yesterday this chick, ate breakfast, played on her phone, riffled through her back pack, shaking the table, and all together annoying the hell out of everyone around her. Seriously? Why does she bother coming to class? She doesn't take notes? she just sits there will all her food spread out all over the table pushing my stuff out of the way crowding me (the one writing notes down).
Next class is Friday...and the game plan is to put my bag on her chair, and leave it there...and if chickie-poo decides to move my stuff I am going to handle it maturely and rationally....and tell her to GO THE EFF HOME!
Huh...that really did help me feel better......
Monday, October 24, 2011
Acceptance
So, its taken over a week but I'm finally coming to terms with the fact that my Granddad passed away after a fairly lenghty struggle with Pulmonary Fibrosis. After my grandmother passed away, it really took the wind out of his sails, and it is my belief that because of his low moral, his body started to cheat him. He had always had his lung condition, but after her death it flared up and finally took over, leading to his death. He was a big support in my life, and up until a couple of days ago I couldn't really make those words pass my lips, but now I guess I'm coming to terms with it. I'm still feeling alone, and isolated by my grief, but I guess admitting it is the first step.
I have an interesting family dynamic. I have never known my birth father, he split when I was a baby and even though there are apparently pictures of me with him somewhere, I have no recollection of ever knowing him. And I'm honestly ok with that. I grew up with a Mom and a Dad, but until I was 5 I didn't know I had a whole other family, that knew of my exsistence, but because of my biological father, thought that my parents would want nothing to do with them. Turns out that my parents thought that they were the ones that wanted nothing to do with me. Ya my bio dad (who I refer to as "Bobo the Sperm Donor") is kind of a douche. And a coward. And a liar....you get the picture.
So when I found out that I still had this whole other family, when I was 17 I contacted them, and suddenly I had this whole other family to be part of. A LOT of them. Bobo, not happy about this might I add, is still not in the picture. But my Grandparents took me in with open arms and all the lies and deception got cleared up, regret was expressed, but I chose not to linger on that and carry forward. Since then my Grandparents were pretty involved with my life. They came to skating events, they celebrated graduations and birthdays and Christmas's. Then my Grandmother passed away, and my granddad became less of a person.
But we have been very close ever since. We talked often and had lunch and dinner often too. He knew what was really going on in my life, not the short version we often tell people just to satisfy the "how's things' questions. I went to a lot of family events, and when I graduated from University they had a big party for me and I've always felt super welcome.
But he was always the pillar to my acceptance. So when he died, I realized how much more alone I am in the world. Before I always knew that my Granddad would be there to listen to me, to consider my opinions and offer advice. He never rushed me, never tried to tell me what to do, and honestly understood me. How often can you say that about someone? Especially someone you're related to.
So its been hard for me (understatement of the century), but each day it gets a tiny bit easier. I feel a huge weight has been lifted because he suffered for so long, but I miss him. I miss his role in my life, and I am still trying to figure out who I am in this world and where I belong without him here as a pillar. He was the connection I had to the other side of my family and I feel lost without him here. Mostly I'm coming to terms with my anger. I am incredibly angry with my birth father. His lies, decit and cowardace meant less time with my grandparents. Less time to learn about them, know them, and have them in my life. Going through all of their things now, cleaning out their house, I'm learning what amazing people they were, and what they did for their community and family, and it's making my heart hurt. I missed so much.
Yesterday was the first day I had been back to his house since his death. Apparently my tendancies to never thow anything out are genetic (TAKE THAT MOM) and like myself, it turns out my Granddad NEVER threw anything out. He was big on "history making" moments and he kept every newspaper for every bit event in time. Mandela being freed from jail, end of WWI, WWII, Kennedy assasination, death of Ghandi and then the death of his daughter, Pierre Elliot Trudeau's issues with Maggie and subsequent resignation. death of Queen Elizabeth and of course the marriage of Charles and Diana. The death of Diana. Man on the moon. We have all these articles, that are now being sifted through, and of course we aren't sure quite what to do with them. But the best thing we have found so far are letters. Before my grandparents were married they had to live apart when Granddad was in medical school and my mother was living in London. They wrote love letters. Amazing, and super gooey cute love letters.
So while I'm going through this incredibly hard time in my life, trying to figure out how to exist, I take solace in knowing more about my past. Learning about love and life, and healing, and hoping to be able to apply it to my life going forward.
I have an interesting family dynamic. I have never known my birth father, he split when I was a baby and even though there are apparently pictures of me with him somewhere, I have no recollection of ever knowing him. And I'm honestly ok with that. I grew up with a Mom and a Dad, but until I was 5 I didn't know I had a whole other family, that knew of my exsistence, but because of my biological father, thought that my parents would want nothing to do with them. Turns out that my parents thought that they were the ones that wanted nothing to do with me. Ya my bio dad (who I refer to as "Bobo the Sperm Donor") is kind of a douche. And a coward. And a liar....you get the picture.
So when I found out that I still had this whole other family, when I was 17 I contacted them, and suddenly I had this whole other family to be part of. A LOT of them. Bobo, not happy about this might I add, is still not in the picture. But my Grandparents took me in with open arms and all the lies and deception got cleared up, regret was expressed, but I chose not to linger on that and carry forward. Since then my Grandparents were pretty involved with my life. They came to skating events, they celebrated graduations and birthdays and Christmas's. Then my Grandmother passed away, and my granddad became less of a person.
But we have been very close ever since. We talked often and had lunch and dinner often too. He knew what was really going on in my life, not the short version we often tell people just to satisfy the "how's things' questions. I went to a lot of family events, and when I graduated from University they had a big party for me and I've always felt super welcome.
But he was always the pillar to my acceptance. So when he died, I realized how much more alone I am in the world. Before I always knew that my Granddad would be there to listen to me, to consider my opinions and offer advice. He never rushed me, never tried to tell me what to do, and honestly understood me. How often can you say that about someone? Especially someone you're related to.
So its been hard for me (understatement of the century), but each day it gets a tiny bit easier. I feel a huge weight has been lifted because he suffered for so long, but I miss him. I miss his role in my life, and I am still trying to figure out who I am in this world and where I belong without him here as a pillar. He was the connection I had to the other side of my family and I feel lost without him here. Mostly I'm coming to terms with my anger. I am incredibly angry with my birth father. His lies, decit and cowardace meant less time with my grandparents. Less time to learn about them, know them, and have them in my life. Going through all of their things now, cleaning out their house, I'm learning what amazing people they were, and what they did for their community and family, and it's making my heart hurt. I missed so much.
Yesterday was the first day I had been back to his house since his death. Apparently my tendancies to never thow anything out are genetic (TAKE THAT MOM) and like myself, it turns out my Granddad NEVER threw anything out. He was big on "history making" moments and he kept every newspaper for every bit event in time. Mandela being freed from jail, end of WWI, WWII, Kennedy assasination, death of Ghandi and then the death of his daughter, Pierre Elliot Trudeau's issues with Maggie and subsequent resignation. death of Queen Elizabeth and of course the marriage of Charles and Diana. The death of Diana. Man on the moon. We have all these articles, that are now being sifted through, and of course we aren't sure quite what to do with them. But the best thing we have found so far are letters. Before my grandparents were married they had to live apart when Granddad was in medical school and my mother was living in London. They wrote love letters. Amazing, and super gooey cute love letters.
So while I'm going through this incredibly hard time in my life, trying to figure out how to exist, I take solace in knowing more about my past. Learning about love and life, and healing, and hoping to be able to apply it to my life going forward.
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
blood or water....not all that different turns out
The most recent issues going on in my life are giving me a real run for my money. I'm learning a lot more about myself and my family, and it ain't all pretty. Let me tell you.
So I was always under the impression that blood is thicker than water, and I take it very much to heart. I am the most loyal person I know, and I do not say that lightly. I do not give up on the people I care about, and I bend over backwards to be there for the people around me. I know I do, and I really don't feel like me saying that is tooting my own horn. I've done just about everything I've ever been able to do for my family, and I am always there for my friends. I have been friends with the same people for years because despite our issues, I tend to believe that the people that stick with you when you are at your worst and nastiest, are the ones you want in your corner no matter what comes your way.
BUT, lately, beginning to think its not paying off. In the past year or so I've shed a lot of people out of my life, and most recently I've lost people that are so vital to my life, and now everything feels like such a toss up. I'm lost and feeling super alone. And isn't this when all the people I've been there for should be stepping in for a shoulder to lean on? Apparently not.
I always figured when the shit really hit the fan that my family, the ones that I've bent over backwards for, have never said no to, and listen to their problems and help them move their kids around at the drop of a hat, would be there to support me. But I'm feeling really let down. Is it that lately I have been too needy and they think that I'm milking it? Do they not understand my pain? Or are they just too absorbed in their own lives, and its simply inconvenient to them to pay attention?
I feel like I'm holding so much in, and that the ones I thought would be here for me most are not here at all and its super frustrating to me. I don't feel like I can go to them because they haven't even tried to reach out to me, and its not in my nature to tell someone I'm hurting. Its not how things work in my family. Instead I've got people ignoring me and ignoring my pain, and telling me to shut up. Turns out blood and water? Same consistency, just blood boils at a lower temperature.
So I was always under the impression that blood is thicker than water, and I take it very much to heart. I am the most loyal person I know, and I do not say that lightly. I do not give up on the people I care about, and I bend over backwards to be there for the people around me. I know I do, and I really don't feel like me saying that is tooting my own horn. I've done just about everything I've ever been able to do for my family, and I am always there for my friends. I have been friends with the same people for years because despite our issues, I tend to believe that the people that stick with you when you are at your worst and nastiest, are the ones you want in your corner no matter what comes your way.
BUT, lately, beginning to think its not paying off. In the past year or so I've shed a lot of people out of my life, and most recently I've lost people that are so vital to my life, and now everything feels like such a toss up. I'm lost and feeling super alone. And isn't this when all the people I've been there for should be stepping in for a shoulder to lean on? Apparently not.
I always figured when the shit really hit the fan that my family, the ones that I've bent over backwards for, have never said no to, and listen to their problems and help them move their kids around at the drop of a hat, would be there to support me. But I'm feeling really let down. Is it that lately I have been too needy and they think that I'm milking it? Do they not understand my pain? Or are they just too absorbed in their own lives, and its simply inconvenient to them to pay attention?
I feel like I'm holding so much in, and that the ones I thought would be here for me most are not here at all and its super frustrating to me. I don't feel like I can go to them because they haven't even tried to reach out to me, and its not in my nature to tell someone I'm hurting. Its not how things work in my family. Instead I've got people ignoring me and ignoring my pain, and telling me to shut up. Turns out blood and water? Same consistency, just blood boils at a lower temperature.
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