I'm Confused

I'm confused. Do you ever get confused? I sure do. More so now than I can ever recall.

When I left high school I didn't have to worry about the future because I knew what I was going to do next. I was going to go to school and that would buy me enough time to figure out my next move.....and I figured I wouldn't have to worry about it because the answer would just come to me. Flash forward six years and here I am. I have a degree, and no plan. And while I may have a degree.......it turns out that my grades don't make the cut for a lot of programs. So my degree is useless. But I saw this coming. My degree was not one I was suited to. It was a lot of courses that I struggled through and had to fight to pass. It was a big indication I should have switched majors. Now to switch into a major I enjoy, I do not have the grades. And I understand I've made my bed and now I must lie in it....but I thought that having an education was supposed to open doors. So why do I feel so trapped?


So here is where I stand. I have an undergrad but my grades suck. I've been told there is a spot for me at another school to start another undergrad with the help of my old one. I could go to school. Or I could continue trying to work. I could find a crap job (because degree or not the job search this year is the worst) and just keep working hoping at some point I find something I really love and want....and not just a good idea at the time...which is what I'm starting to wonder if this new "idea" is all about. A plan to avoid planning a future.

Do you ever notice that right about these times your doubt yourself the most, that others never seem to be able to help you out? Well this only seems to be adding to my problem. Friends that I have always been there for and have done nothing but console....well they all seem to be deserting me. The friend I have always supported and helped, bails on me right when I need them the most. The friend I want to step up and support me like I need, stays silent. The friend that I have known almost my whole life, is no longer in my life because they claimed I was inconsiderate....because my trip overseas was inconvenient for their concert plans.

So why now? Why is everything turning drastically crazy now? Why am I so insecure? Why am I so scared? What do I do? How do I make another decision when it seems to me if all the other decisions Ive made have lead me to this moment where I am so scared and confused?