72 Days of Tricks?

So today is Halloween, but I'm not feeling overly festive about the whole thing. I spent my weekend at a skating competition running around like crazy dealing with crazy skating competition things, ignoring all school related things that I probably should have tried to fit in. So today when I woke up, and the school panic set in, I guess I just don't have any mental capacity left to put Halloween in there along with it. That and I have class till 7:10 or so tonight and a midterm that I am desperate to do well on coming on Wednesday, then an assignment from hell, and well you get the idea.

So besides all the school drama, I'm also trying to sort though my emotional drama and family drama, while trying to maintain some sort of a real life. Very busy tangled mess I weave huh?

So maybe this whole emotional side of things is what has me feeling sympathetic or maybe even a bit down about the whole Kim Kardashian Kris Humphries divorce-dealy. 72 days of marriage and their calling it quits. Was the whole thing a rouse? Did these two ever really care for each other or did they get together, have fun together, think "well we might as well get hitched because the media will eat it all up and its expected of us", then realize halfway through the wedding plans that they really didn't like each other? That they were meant to be short term rather than long term? Or was it all publicity from the start?

All that money on the wedding, all the media attention all the shenanigans! Don't you find this whole thing so sad? Maybe its my soul that was previously suffocated by bad relationships and poor choices is starting to breath again and remembering that I really do believe in happily ever after. I want to believe that relationships can last and that things do work out...but with cases like this doesn't it sting to think that there's people out there that will do the crazy wedding, but totally forget that there's a marriage after to work on?

Maybe it is because my soul is finally fighting back into my reality that I am so bothered by these two people that are so heavily in the media and their relationship. Don't feed me that whole "you chose to be invested in the media about this one, if it bothers you don't watch and leave them alone" because those two want to be on TV. They are part of a TV show, and he plays basketball on TV. Their wedding was on TV and all their excess has been well documented. I don't want the show or basketball and I don't actively follow many blogs about it, and when I do see info its usually because I just want to look at the wedding dress and don't really care about the wedding. Everyone and their dog knew about this wedding and then now its over? You spent all that money, and time, to push pomp and circumstance around and it was all for not?

I find this incredibly sad. How much hope is there for the rest of us when these two incredibly priviledged individuals, who are not overly educated, are not doing anything good for others but have a ton of cash to blow, take it and have this huge wedding, and then break up 72 days later because they can't cut it. I fear that its events like this that ruin it for the rest of us. We are getting so used to seeing things break apart, and fall apart, where does the good come from anymore?

Outta Ma WAY!

You know that episode of Sex and the City, where after breaking up with Big Carrie obsesses about their break up. To the point where her friends (who I must say are able to put up with an obscene amount of crap between the four of them) tell her that she needs to see a shrink? Well I feel I'm there. I feel like I have whined, moaned and obsessed about all the shit going on in my life that people around me MUST be sick of it by now. No one has said anything, but I'm just starting to feel that I have to stop with all the negativity. I can't ignore my grief and circumstance, but that shouldn't stop me from moving forward.

The only way to move on, is to continue on, and for me that means doing that things that were, and for me that means bitching about other people. And man today do I have a gooder.

So yesterday in class a girl sat down beside me (very important we note that SHE sat beside ME....and I don't know her...) and she spent the entire 50 minutes fidgeting around, eatting, playing angry birds on her iphone, and doing basically everything but paying attention to the professor and engaging in the class. Now I get it, this particular class wasn't all that entertaining, but the fact that everyone else in the row (which for the record is the second so we are up front and centre) was paying attention....and here she was fidgeting and shaking the seat and being extremely distracting.

So this morning to prevent myself from sitting beside miss "I came to play angry birds while having my breakfast, and annoy those sitting around me", I made sure to put my bag down on top of the table in front of the seat beside me. Thinking this would encourage her to STAY AWAY, I continued to pull out my things and prepare for class.....and guess what? SHE SAT DOWN ANYWAYS!

I'm sorry? Do I look like a people person? Do I seem friendly? Is there some sort of reason that you must sit in that exact chair??!?!?! When there are multiple other free seats, not only in my row but in rows both in front and behind mine????? Why must you sit beside me???? TAKE THE HINT.

And yes, today just like yesterday this chick, ate breakfast, played on her phone, riffled through her back pack, shaking the table, and all together annoying the hell out of everyone around her. Seriously? Why does she bother coming to class? She doesn't take notes? she just sits there will all her food spread out all over the table pushing my stuff out of the way crowding me (the one writing notes down).

Next class is Friday...and the game plan is to put my bag on her chair, and leave it there...and if chickie-poo decides to move my stuff I am going to handle it maturely and rationally....and tell her to GO THE EFF HOME!

Huh...that really did help me feel better......

Acceptance

So, its taken over a week but I'm finally coming to terms with the fact that my Granddad passed away after a fairly lenghty struggle with Pulmonary Fibrosis. After my grandmother passed away, it really took the wind out of his sails, and it is my belief that because of his low moral, his body started to cheat him. He had always had his lung condition, but after her death it flared up and finally took over, leading to his death. He was a big support in my life, and up until a couple of days ago I couldn't really make those words pass my lips, but now I guess I'm coming to terms with it. I'm still feeling alone, and isolated by my grief, but I guess admitting it is the first step.

I have an interesting family dynamic. I have never known my birth father, he split when I was a baby and even though there are apparently pictures of me with him somewhere, I have no recollection of ever knowing him. And I'm honestly ok with that. I grew up with a Mom and a Dad, but until I was 5 I didn't know I had a whole other family, that knew of my exsistence, but because of my biological father, thought that my parents would want nothing to do with them. Turns out that my parents thought that they were the ones that wanted nothing to do with me. Ya my bio dad (who I refer to as "Bobo the Sperm Donor") is kind of a douche. And a coward. And a liar....you get the picture.

So when I found out that I still had this whole other family, when I was 17 I contacted them, and suddenly I had this whole other family to be part of. A LOT of them. Bobo, not happy about this might I add, is still not in the picture. But my Grandparents took me in with open arms and all the lies and deception got cleared up, regret was expressed, but I chose not to linger on that and carry forward. Since then my Grandparents were pretty involved with my life. They came to skating events, they celebrated graduations and birthdays and Christmas's. Then my Grandmother passed away, and my granddad became less of a person.

But we have been very close ever since. We talked often and had lunch and dinner often too. He knew what was really going on in my life, not the short version we often tell people just to satisfy the "how's things' questions. I went to a lot of family events, and when I graduated from University they had a big party for me and I've always felt super welcome.

But he was always the pillar to my acceptance. So when he died, I realized how much more alone I am in the world. Before I always knew that my Granddad would be there to listen to me, to consider my opinions and offer advice. He never rushed me, never tried to tell me what to do, and honestly understood me. How often can you say that about someone? Especially someone you're related to.

So its been hard for me (understatement of the century), but each day it gets a tiny bit easier. I feel a huge weight has been lifted because he suffered for so long, but I miss him. I miss his role in my life, and I am still trying to figure out who I am in this world and where I belong without him here as a pillar. He was the connection I had to the other side of my family and I feel lost without him here. Mostly I'm coming to terms with my anger. I am incredibly angry with my birth father. His lies, decit and cowardace meant less time with my grandparents. Less time to learn about them, know them, and have them in my life. Going through all of their things now, cleaning out their house, I'm learning what amazing people they were, and what they did for their community and family, and it's making my heart hurt. I missed so much.

Yesterday was the first day I had been back to his house since his death. Apparently my tendancies to never thow anything out are genetic (TAKE THAT MOM) and like myself, it turns out my Granddad NEVER threw anything out. He was big on "history making" moments and he kept every newspaper for every bit event in time. Mandela being freed from jail, end of WWI, WWII, Kennedy assasination, death of Ghandi and then the death of his daughter, Pierre Elliot Trudeau's issues with Maggie and subsequent resignation. death of Queen Elizabeth and of course the marriage of Charles and Diana. The death of Diana. Man on the moon. We have all these articles, that are now being sifted through, and of course we aren't sure quite what to do with them. But the best thing we have found so far are letters. Before my grandparents were married they had to live apart when Granddad was in medical school and my mother was living in London. They wrote love letters. Amazing, and super gooey cute love letters.

So while I'm going through this incredibly hard time in my life, trying to figure out how to exist, I take solace in knowing more about my past. Learning about love and life, and healing, and hoping to be able to apply it to my life going forward.

blood or water....not all that different turns out

The most recent issues going on in my life are giving me a real run for my money. I'm learning a lot more about myself and my family, and it ain't all pretty. Let me tell you.

So I was always under the impression that blood is thicker than water, and I take it very much to heart. I am the most loyal person I know, and I do not say that lightly. I do not give up on the people I care about, and I bend over backwards to be there for the people around me. I know I do, and I really don't feel like me saying that is tooting my own horn. I've done just about everything I've ever been able to do for my family, and I am always there for my friends. I have been friends with the same people for years because despite our issues, I tend to believe that the people that stick with you when you are at your worst and nastiest, are the ones you want in your corner no matter what comes your way.

BUT, lately, beginning to think its not paying off. In the past year or so I've shed a lot of people out of my life, and most recently I've lost people that are so vital to my life, and now everything feels like such a toss up. I'm lost and feeling super alone. And isn't this when all the people I've been there for should be stepping in for a shoulder to lean on? Apparently not.

I always figured when the shit really hit the fan that my family, the ones that I've bent over backwards for, have never said no to, and listen to their problems and help them move their kids around at the drop of a hat, would be there to support me. But I'm feeling really let down. Is it that lately I have been too needy and they think that I'm milking it? Do they not understand my pain? Or are they just too absorbed in their own lives, and its simply inconvenient to them to pay attention?

I feel like I'm holding so much in, and that the ones I thought would be here for me most are not here at all and its super frustrating to me. I don't feel like I can go to them because they haven't even tried to reach out to me, and its not in my nature to tell someone I'm hurting. Its not how things work in my family. Instead I've got people ignoring me and ignoring my pain, and telling me to shut up. Turns out blood and water? Same consistency, just blood boils at a lower temperature. 

When the going gets tough.....2.0

So this is a post that I've started quite a few times in the last couple days. Kind of keep running out of steam. A lot of the personal stuff going on in my life kind of boiled over this past weekend and while the fact that it all came to a point is a bit of a relief, I also feel like there's someone on a loud speaker screaming over my head "Clean up on isle 5!!!!"... So I'm mentally collecting buckets and mops, grabbing the Mr. Clean and scrubbing away. Not easy work, and I'm finding it a bit hard to stay positive and motivated to get things going. But c'est la vie.

You know that saying "When the going gets tough, the tough get going" Well given my weekend, every time I manage to get out of bed and do something (which everything seems to be right now, I felt like yesterday I should have been given a medal for making it to skating in the morning) I mixed it up. "When the going gets tough, the tough get out of bed".....Yesterday morning to get my ass to the rink. "When the going gets tough the tough eat bacon" when I stopped on the way home from the rink and picked up deli smoked bacon for breakfast. "When the going gets tough, the tough call ex's out on their continual BS".....that was just too easy to try and stop myself. The words spilled out of my mouth and into my phone before I could stop myself and even conceptualize that it wasn't any of my business anymore. The shitty thing is I didn't even get a chance to call the bastard out and dumped it on my friend instead. Who I know didn't take it personally....and I think ignored it and carried on. Good call. It was directed at him and his bullshit not at you.

Anyways. So things are a mess. And I'm feeling alone in my struggles because the situation is pretty unique to me, and my family situation. I'm confused because I don't know what I'm going to do next, and I'm a little lost in life, but that's been going on for awhile. So I shall continue getting up and trying to get moving, starting with getting my ass to school because I just skipped class for the first time because I was too miserable to get out of bed.

Then again...if I didn't have an assignment due and a lab test tomorrow....I garuntee you the newest slogan would be "When the going gets tough, this ex student keeps her ass in bed with bad TV".

Thou Shalt Not Diss the Tim Gun

I've been going through a lot lately. I'm in school, trying to find a job, family crap going on...I've been feeling a little up to my ears. Drowing a bit really. So its making it really hard for me to focus on any one task. When I'm studying I can't focus on the notes on the paper, and when I'm trying to work on papers or something, I can't sit still. Even when I was trying to prepare a video for my ASL class, I would sit for 5 and then have to get up and move around or have to have something else on the go. I am so coated in all this crap going on that I cannot seem to get my brain to focus soley on one thing, instead I have to have multiple things going on.

(Quick side note: I have the best friends in the world....they have put up with my for quite some time in this horrible depressed up and down mood I've been in, they've been there when I've managed to triple book myself mostly because I'm just being an idiot....and they still always give me the shoulder to cry on or scream at....thanks guys, I hope this is the tail end of the roller coaster! Being the kind of friend I want to be has been uber hard lately but you guys keep me around anyways, and that means a lot)

So anyway. Lots going on and no ability to deal with it. So of course I resort back to my old faithful, procrastination and reality TV. My world is sucking the big one, let me watch yours fall to bits!! As a matter of fact, I am currently sitting here doing just that. Procrastinating studying for a midterm, and have busted out the emergency frozen mars bars. What I've been doing for the last like three days it watching old episodes of project runway while studying.

Project Runway is probably the only show I watch RELIGIOUSLY. Other shows I can take or leave, and I don't care if I don't see them every week or if I miss a chunk, but something about Project Runway means I cannot possibly miss a minute. And the fact that I'm terribly unfocused right now means that I'm watching old episodes to sedate me till the new ones.

Now because I cannot possibly focus on my own life anymore than I already do, I've been watching these designers, and I have learned a few things. Those who are rude to Tim Gunn NEVER win. Kennly was not only a bitch to the other contestants, she was EXTREMELY rude to Mr. Gunn, and she was auff'ed.

I just can't understand why someone would go on that show and not heart the tim gunn! I mean if he gives you a rough review, he does it because he wants you to do better! He wants you to succeed! And the dude had the credentials to back up his opinions. Hello, he worked for Liz Clairbourne and he has been on the show since day one. He knows his SHHHIIIIZZZZ..... SO for the love of god. Do not HATE ON THE TIM GUNN!

And when in doubt....Make it work:) Which is really what life is all about :)

Oh god the holidays are amoung us.

It really is some cruel joke that the holidays creep on us so freaking fast..and with the holidays among us , so are the party invites. And with the party invites comes the head count....and the inevitable question, solo or duo?

This is also the question that makes we me want to lash out irrationally. YES I'm STILL single.

Todays tyranny is brought to by an email I recieved from the house I attend on Christmas Eve. My whole family attends and every year we all get the same email about this time asking us to save the date and to give a head count. And this year I was singled out to my whole family asking me if I was single again...WELL THEN/.

Yes I'm still single, yes I will be flying solo, and even if I was dating someone or something changes in two months I STILL wouldn't subject some poor unsuspecting bloke to THAT. And did you have to pose the question in front of EVERYONE in my family? They are all very aware of my impending spinsterhood, must we REALLY bring it up?

Like really? And then what's the polite appropriate answer? "Yes I'm still single, yes I gots no mans". And then everyone feels sorry for you! I'm the last single person in my family, I'm also the only person to not have kids. Both are decisions that I'm really happy with. I was with a guy for a long time that wanted to get married but things just never worked out. Had we gotten married instead of finally breaking up, we would have been miserable! I'm kid less and I think its a great thing because I can't imagine having a kid!!!

But does that mean I want to have to explain my life to everyone time and time again? Does that mean I have to feel bad because I have no man to hold my hand at dinner? Did you really think it would be a good idea to push upon your judgement on me because you think its a crime I'm single?

How do you deal with these invites? How do you respond without sounding like a total bitch?

Remove head from ass then continue living..ok?

They say that you can't pick you're family, and while I usually don't care for cliches or tend to agree with any sort of "grouping" of family for that matter, never has there been a more true statement. But this rant doesn't just include family, it shall be more board, specifically set off by my shit for brains sister.

Have you ever known someone who is so up their own ass they smell their own breath? Shes one of them. Not the only person I've ever known to exhibit this quality, but today shes the one pissing me off. Shes the kind of person that if you're in the car chatting about something going on in your life, she will almost alway interupt you about something going on in her life. Unless whatever you start talking about directly influences her. Then she probably won't interupt but the conversation topic morphs into a tyrant more about her and less about you.

I HATE THESE KINDS OF PEOPLE. How one gets their own head up their own butt that far to the extent where their farts are minty fresh is beyond me. But today's testament is sponsored by the letter J for jobs. My sister has hated her job for quite some time now. I've been telling her for quite some time that she needs to move on and find a job that she will be more satisfied and have more room for growth. Where she is now there will never be raises or promotions or rewards for her efforts only bitchy abuse from her self destructive co-workers and micromanagement from a boss that cannot and apparently will not control self destructive coworker.

I digress. So she finally applys for this new job, and finds out today shes getting the opportunity to write an exam for it. And proceeds to not only email me about it, and then text me about it twice. I myself am knee deep in midterms and assignment (that she of course has no idea about because that would mean she would have to listen to something about me and not about her) but yet she goes on and on about her job. Which don't get me wrong, I think is great, but at this time and in this space, one email is enough...I have shit to do. I have to worry about me.

So I don't respond to her email and she texts me the following

"Don't know if you got my email but I got invited to write an exam for the job!"

Annoyed because I'm waiting for a text from someone in one of my classes about the lab exam I have today I text her back (knowing that if I don't more texts will follow)

"I got it. Just busy. Congrats"

To which my moron of a sister responds

"THANKS! I'm super excited!!!!"

You're kidding me right? What part of "Busy. Congrats" screamed to you that I was that freaking excited for you? Where do you get off not even inquiring about why I'm so busy or thinking that I wanted that kind of message back.

How up your own behind do you need to blatantly ignore someone else in distress just because you're so happy about something that you've pressed on someone else multiple times that the first time they couldn't be bothered to respond to? HELLO?

Also keep in mind that this is the sister who owes me money from the summer. Who has a well paying job but just seems to forget to pay me back. And I would really like that money. Because SHE OWES IT TO ME.....

But no instead I get to get text messages about this new job (even though I've been telling her for years to move on) and about her kids and all this other crap that right now I cannot be bothered to care about.

How do you deal with people like that?

What its really all about.

Lately my life is feeling a bit out of control....much like a round of hokey pokey. I'm going through the motions but not really making any real decisions for myself. I'm putting my arm in and shaking it all about but I'm not dictating why. I'm just being complacent, mostly because its easier than trying to think of anything for myself.

As previously mentioned I haven't always been the biggest fan of the holidays. I run from house to house, event to event attempting to fit it all in, because I think that's what I'm supposed to do but never really enjoying myself. I don't tend to mix my events and priorities because I find that mixing them often leads to unnecessary confusion and hurt feelings, preferring to hop from event to event like a bunny, never mixing them. I have a big family and we don't all get along, and well I'm not even about to try to change things. There is too much water under that bridge.

However. This year somethings a bit difference. My Aunt and my Aunt broke up about a year ago last August. My blood Aunt (The artist) moved on from my other Aunt (M) and to be honest it was something that I saw coming for a long time. They were not meant to be, as they certainly did not bring out the best in each other, more like the extreme worst. However, M somehow got left behind. A huge part of the family that no longer gets to be involved, and I mean I get it shes not blood related, and my Artist Aunt no longer wants to be with her and we should respect that, however, she wasn't the only one that made ties with her. Artist doesn't want to be with her and I respect that, but at the same time, I know M and don't think its fair that she have no family.

So this year when I heard she had nowhere to go for Thanksgiving I suggested we have her over to my parents house. (My Artist Aunt always goes to the other side of the familys house for thanksgiving, and this year is no exception). M may no longer be "family" but shes still family to me, and so I invited her. She's loud, and emotional, and not always the nicest when it comes to talking about my Aunt (so we don't) but she's family. And getting together with family, friends and those we care about is what Thanksgiving is all about. Everyone should have somewhere to go on Thanksgiving. And that is what I am thankful for this year. I have a family good enough to realize this too, and accept that which we cannot change, and invite someone who will potential cause an even bigger family rift, because its the right thing to do. Getting together with someone despite differences is the whole point of this holiday, and all the holidays in this fall/winter season.

And I mean......not about to complain about the day off from school....added perk!

Feeling Fall

Ohhh October. The arrival of fall, the start of the winter holidays among us and the chill in the air that makes drinking warm coffees a wise choice. Cozy sweaters and wearing tall boots. Of course with this for a student also means midterms and term papers due. The not so great part. But it does also mean Thanksgiving break! A day off! Oh glorious day of thanks!

Now I'm not the biggest fan of the winter holidays. I have a huge very loud family and I tend to find the holidays overly busy running from house to house trying to fit everything in, and extremely loud with kids running hyped up on sugar. I find it a bit too over whelming, so I typically try to hide out on these holidays. In my opinion Thanksgiving is a precursor to Christmas and its just a lot.

But tonight I randomly found myself thanking the fates that it was in fact the start of October because it means that every single grocery store is selling pumpkin pie. Now October may mean the start of midterms and term paper hell, but its also the start of the little thing I like to call "Guilt Free Stress Eating". As I attempt to study, and absorb the millions of trivial facts that I will probably never use again after this semester, I also get to absorb as many carbs and fats as I want without feeling like I am required to run laps or go to the gym. Its a beautiful thing. Now my "eating my feelings" guilt is magically absolved because I am studying for midterms. Win. Such a win.

Now if only I can apply this rule to shopping. I have a craving for new cozy sweaters and new pair of boots. Hmm....

How do you stop the stopped?

I've been so busy with life lately that I haven't really had time to obsess about any of the crap that had been looming over my head all summer. But lately I've felt the sorrow I had been suffering from upon my return from the UK sneak back up on my shoulders, running down my spine and causing shivers.

Have you ever had someone be such a monumental part of your life, only to suddenly evaporate? I had someone in my life that was so close to me that we may as well have been an old married couple . My life was intertwined with his and his with mine that to just have that stop was incredibly hard for me to bear. Even though there were times we hated each other, had arguments over trivial things, and didn't agree on a whole lot, I figured it would always be us against the world. Now he's gone and lately I'm feeling that void so much more than I did initially. He's the one that I would talk to about family issues, and friends, and school. He would come to me about work and about his family stresses. I would always hear about his sucsesses and his triumphs, knowing that in some tiny measurement that I was responsible for them too, just as he was responsible for mine. And now thats gone. And its not like I don't have others involved with my life, but his was different. Even now he is still the voice in my head telling me when something isn't a good idea, and more than anything he's the one I wish I could talk to about everything, mostly the trivial.

Its been literal months. I realize now I depended on so heavily. Should I have been kinder about the situation when it all exploded? Did I deserve the treatment I got? Could I possibly have even stopped this disaster I'm in now without him? I miss him and its been months of missing him. I miss knowing whats going on with him, I miss having him to talk to, I miss being part of his life, and I miss him as part of mine. I sit constantly wondering if he misses me, and if ever thinks of me when he sees things to critical to our relationship. Does he think of me every time he walks past the used bookstore, does he think of me when he puts on his Fluevogs, knowing full well I can't wear mine without thinking of him.

I know I was right to stick up for myself, and to not let someone walk over me (the situation was complicated and I can't even begin to describe how things got so complicated and convuluted through out the last year) but it was months ago. Why can't I let go? How do you let go of something that was such a vital part of your life? And the fact that he could just walk away, does that mean I was never as important to him as he was to me? How could he just walk away and never look back? Why didn't he ever show the remorse for the relationship that I have? Why can't I just let go? Why is this grief still plaging me? I feel drenched in grey, fogged in and grey over the whole thing, and I can't just shake it off.

And I can't imagine ever filling this void, I fear that I'm just going to be enclosed by it forever...and I don't quite know what to do. And its such a unique situation that I don't know anyone else whose ever had to fight with it either. All grief is not created equal. It feels as if a close family member has died...and yet he still lives. He's just someone who I invested years in and yet now, living only across town, wants nothing to do with me, and I think that hurts the most. The close proximity, but the miles between us. And here I am still hoping that one day it will sort itself out...or that I'll at least be able to let go...