Acceptance

So, its taken over a week but I'm finally coming to terms with the fact that my Granddad passed away after a fairly lenghty struggle with Pulmonary Fibrosis. After my grandmother passed away, it really took the wind out of his sails, and it is my belief that because of his low moral, his body started to cheat him. He had always had his lung condition, but after her death it flared up and finally took over, leading to his death. He was a big support in my life, and up until a couple of days ago I couldn't really make those words pass my lips, but now I guess I'm coming to terms with it. I'm still feeling alone, and isolated by my grief, but I guess admitting it is the first step.

I have an interesting family dynamic. I have never known my birth father, he split when I was a baby and even though there are apparently pictures of me with him somewhere, I have no recollection of ever knowing him. And I'm honestly ok with that. I grew up with a Mom and a Dad, but until I was 5 I didn't know I had a whole other family, that knew of my exsistence, but because of my biological father, thought that my parents would want nothing to do with them. Turns out that my parents thought that they were the ones that wanted nothing to do with me. Ya my bio dad (who I refer to as "Bobo the Sperm Donor") is kind of a douche. And a coward. And a liar....you get the picture.

So when I found out that I still had this whole other family, when I was 17 I contacted them, and suddenly I had this whole other family to be part of. A LOT of them. Bobo, not happy about this might I add, is still not in the picture. But my Grandparents took me in with open arms and all the lies and deception got cleared up, regret was expressed, but I chose not to linger on that and carry forward. Since then my Grandparents were pretty involved with my life. They came to skating events, they celebrated graduations and birthdays and Christmas's. Then my Grandmother passed away, and my granddad became less of a person.

But we have been very close ever since. We talked often and had lunch and dinner often too. He knew what was really going on in my life, not the short version we often tell people just to satisfy the "how's things' questions. I went to a lot of family events, and when I graduated from University they had a big party for me and I've always felt super welcome.

But he was always the pillar to my acceptance. So when he died, I realized how much more alone I am in the world. Before I always knew that my Granddad would be there to listen to me, to consider my opinions and offer advice. He never rushed me, never tried to tell me what to do, and honestly understood me. How often can you say that about someone? Especially someone you're related to.

So its been hard for me (understatement of the century), but each day it gets a tiny bit easier. I feel a huge weight has been lifted because he suffered for so long, but I miss him. I miss his role in my life, and I am still trying to figure out who I am in this world and where I belong without him here as a pillar. He was the connection I had to the other side of my family and I feel lost without him here. Mostly I'm coming to terms with my anger. I am incredibly angry with my birth father. His lies, decit and cowardace meant less time with my grandparents. Less time to learn about them, know them, and have them in my life. Going through all of their things now, cleaning out their house, I'm learning what amazing people they were, and what they did for their community and family, and it's making my heart hurt. I missed so much.

Yesterday was the first day I had been back to his house since his death. Apparently my tendancies to never thow anything out are genetic (TAKE THAT MOM) and like myself, it turns out my Granddad NEVER threw anything out. He was big on "history making" moments and he kept every newspaper for every bit event in time. Mandela being freed from jail, end of WWI, WWII, Kennedy assasination, death of Ghandi and then the death of his daughter, Pierre Elliot Trudeau's issues with Maggie and subsequent resignation. death of Queen Elizabeth and of course the marriage of Charles and Diana. The death of Diana. Man on the moon. We have all these articles, that are now being sifted through, and of course we aren't sure quite what to do with them. But the best thing we have found so far are letters. Before my grandparents were married they had to live apart when Granddad was in medical school and my mother was living in London. They wrote love letters. Amazing, and super gooey cute love letters.

So while I'm going through this incredibly hard time in my life, trying to figure out how to exist, I take solace in knowing more about my past. Learning about love and life, and healing, and hoping to be able to apply it to my life going forward.