I've been so busy with life lately that I haven't really had time to obsess about any of the crap that had been looming over my head all summer. But lately I've felt the sorrow I had been suffering from upon my return from the UK sneak back up on my shoulders, running down my spine and causing shivers.
Have you ever had someone be such a monumental part of your life, only to suddenly evaporate? I had someone in my life that was so close to me that we may as well have been an old married couple . My life was intertwined with his and his with mine that to just have that stop was incredibly hard for me to bear. Even though there were times we hated each other, had arguments over trivial things, and didn't agree on a whole lot, I figured it would always be us against the world. Now he's gone and lately I'm feeling that void so much more than I did initially. He's the one that I would talk to about family issues, and friends, and school. He would come to me about work and about his family stresses. I would always hear about his sucsesses and his triumphs, knowing that in some tiny measurement that I was responsible for them too, just as he was responsible for mine. And now thats gone. And its not like I don't have others involved with my life, but his was different. Even now he is still the voice in my head telling me when something isn't a good idea, and more than anything he's the one I wish I could talk to about everything, mostly the trivial.
Its been literal months. I realize now I depended on so heavily. Should I have been kinder about the situation when it all exploded? Did I deserve the treatment I got? Could I possibly have even stopped this disaster I'm in now without him? I miss him and its been months of missing him. I miss knowing whats going on with him, I miss having him to talk to, I miss being part of his life, and I miss him as part of mine. I sit constantly wondering if he misses me, and if ever thinks of me when he sees things to critical to our relationship. Does he think of me every time he walks past the used bookstore, does he think of me when he puts on his Fluevogs, knowing full well I can't wear mine without thinking of him.
I know I was right to stick up for myself, and to not let someone walk over me (the situation was complicated and I can't even begin to describe how things got so complicated and convuluted through out the last year) but it was months ago. Why can't I let go? How do you let go of something that was such a vital part of your life? And the fact that he could just walk away, does that mean I was never as important to him as he was to me? How could he just walk away and never look back? Why didn't he ever show the remorse for the relationship that I have? Why can't I just let go? Why is this grief still plaging me? I feel drenched in grey, fogged in and grey over the whole thing, and I can't just shake it off.
And I can't imagine ever filling this void, I fear that I'm just going to be enclosed by it forever...and I don't quite know what to do. And its such a unique situation that I don't know anyone else whose ever had to fight with it either. All grief is not created equal. It feels as if a close family member has died...and yet he still lives. He's just someone who I invested years in and yet now, living only across town, wants nothing to do with me, and I think that hurts the most. The close proximity, but the miles between us. And here I am still hoping that one day it will sort itself out...or that I'll at least be able to let go...
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