Reality Check and Ranting

So as I mentioned The Boy made a surprise visit to the island to take care of some family stuff and as an added bonus we were able to see each other. I gather he actually knew he was coming over long before he mentioned to me he was on the ferry, so I'm a tad annoyed he couldn't have given me more of a heads up.

So I saw him briefly last night and then this morning I had the joy of waking him up (I took coffee and muffins....my momma don't raise no fool) and he was a bit on the snippy side this morning after not having a great sleep, but I was determined to power through. I hadn't slept much either. And so after half an hour of attempting to get him out of bed I was mean and made him get up and shower. Mostly because he had asked the day before if we could connect with T and her daughter because he missed them too.

So we spent the whole day hanging out with them which was nice, but here's where my reality check came in. I'm painfully aware that The Boy and I are extremely undefined and that we lack the social norms of a couple. I have no idea what we're doing and the fact that we are never in the same place seems to make it all the more complicated.

There is so much I am constantly second guessing. He doesn't text me much and then things like calling are a bit sketchy. I have no idea what he wants, and the scary thing is I really have no idea what I want. I thought when we started to "associate" that I wanted a relationship, but now I'm thinking its not a good time. I'm still here and hes over there. I found myself thinking today "What's the point of all this again?".

He is a nice guy, but he is just that a guy. He does a lot of the things guys do that women wish they didn't. And while it may drive me crazy, I'm sure I do a lot of the things that women do that men wish they didn't. But at the same time, what's the point in being with someone when there isn't that mental connection? Sure erm physically things are great, and we were great friends to start so for the most part personality wise there aren't too many surprises, but now we have crossed over to this new place. And I'm panicked I've ruined it all by allowing this to happen. Which was really destined to happen because we found ourselves testing the boundaries of our friendship many times over over the past couple years.

I know I'm being a silly girl about this too, and I think that's another thing that just driving me nuts. I'm being a total girl about this. What's he doing? Why hasn't he called? What does he want? Where do we stand? ALL TOTAL GIRL QUESTIONS. All total girl OBSESSIONS.

Maybe I should be more receptive to just going with the flow?

The last couple times something with our arrangement really drove me up a tree, I just waited it out and eventually things got better. So maybe this is just another time where I need to blurt it all out in a rant to random strangers and keep it from The Boy (till I've calmed down and gotten some sleep) to broach the subject another time because if I do it now we will end up fighting and I could miss out on something great.

So ya here I rant. I'm a silly girl whose in a relationship they don't know how to deal with. Again. Awesome. I need to get back to worrying about myself because while he's gone I still have a life here. And I think its to the point where I need to focus on my life sperate from him until such time that we are together again. Or I can just spew out all this "feminist crap" and still obsess about everything.

Oi.

Hmmm quel surprise?

SO. As I have mentioned before I'm seeing this boy. And it's been going ok. We don't live in the same place and that's been a bit problematic ALSO he is probably the most social person I've ever known so he's never really free to "up and come over" between his work, school and social schedule (mostly its his school and work schedule but then he has other things like hockey and crap in the way).

So it's hard because I end up missing him a lot. I miss him and it sucks, but also I miss him because we never get to talk because our schedules are SOOO different.

Before we started seeing each other he had a knack of just showing up. Which was fine. I've known him a long time so we would just hang out and grab coffee. But now that we're seeing each other this is starting to become a bit of a problem.

Don't get me wrong. Him randomly visting is a great surprise. Him not giving me the heads up might just be the death of me. Ladies side with me on this one. If we don't have to shave/wax/put makeup on/wear cute underwear all the time, we generally don't. Well maybe the underwear thing and the makeup thing, but unless I'm wearing shorts or expect to have someone see my legs (and etc) I don't shave/wax. Cannot be bothered. Its winter, its cold and well I'm lazy. SO when The Boy calls, and he's two hours away and expecting to see me, I get sent into PANIC mode.

My face is a mess (thank you hormones) and my hair was a mess and most annoyingly I really needed to shave my legs. So off I went. Like a mad lady to take necessary precautions to not look like a cavewomen.

So while I think its awesome I get to see him for the first time in a month....I really wish I had had more time to feel like a female....cause does he really need to see me at my worst from the get go? I would prefer not.

Feelin Foolish....time to get my head out of my ASS!

OK so I know I haven't been the greatest poster child of commitment this year. I'm about to turn 26 and I'm pretty sure I have no idea where my life is going, and well, I'm not feeling overly excited about school. I feel like I'm missing motivation to be there. There are people that would kill to go to school, and yet I'm just exsisting there. I'm floating.

That being said, I have never been one to take anything sitting down, or slack off, until this year. And tonight I hit an absolute low point. I knew an assignment was due tonight. I had it done and ready to roll. Come time to hand it in an apparently I had ignored the parts actually due. I missed a big chunk of the assignment being due and I have NEVER had this happen before.

I have never not handed something in on time. I have never missed an exam, or had to write it at a later date. I have never called in sick to an exam. I DON'T DO THIS. I'm not late! I'm not someone who does these kinds of things and yet tonight I somehow handed in half an assignment because I wasn't paying enough attention to class and the syllabus to actually realize everything was due.

I felt so stupid! So irresponsible! How could this have happened? This isn't me?

Have I been too distracted and lazy lately? To really be paying attention to things like this? And if that is the case how pathetic is this? And shameful? I'm spending all this time in school hoping to get some sort of clue as to what to do with my life, and I'm pissing it away by not being dedicated?

So I'm very mad at myself. This assignment was worth 15% of my grade and in class the prof said it was either you get 15% or nothing, and seeing as I only did half I have no idea how this marking is going to go. I have emailed (had to rush after class) and asked about handing it in tomorrow and just taking a deduction in marks to hopefully be able to get my mark up...but this could potentially end up being a big hit in my mark.

While I'm really mostly pissed at myself for letting this semester get away from me...this might be the very mark-expensive kick in the ass I needed to get my shit together.

So happy hump day all! I'm officially over my semester "hump" and its time to get my shit together.

Hot Yoga a Go-Go

So, I recently decided that I wanted to maybe try another free skate test for figure skating, and I've been trying to attend regular skating sessions to see where I'm at and what I need to do to get back into shape. And well it hasn't been going great. My back injury is flaring up a little bit, I get bored easily of free skate and switch back to ice dance without really thinking about it, and while its still in my mind, I think the best thing I can do right now is just try to get back into shape.

I used to be active all the time. Skating lots, and going running and doing things like spin classes, but after my back going to hell, and my trip to England, and then death in the family, everything just got in the way. I know there is part of me that just keeps saying "That was all just an excuse you could have done other things to stay fit" but really? My heart wasn't in it and I needed the mental break of doing nothing if anything.

So lately, with skating in mind, I'm desperately trying to do anything and everything that can get me back into shape or at the very least keep me entertained. I'm trying to get back to the rock climbing gym (sans Asscountant it's actually a lot of fun) and I eventually want to get the guts together to go back to spin class. Today I tried Hot Yoga for the first time. Now I had done one yoga class previously through a rec centre and it was a bit of a wash. I didn't take it seriously and the class was for people who want "easy no fuss yoga".

I was having coffee with a friend a few weeks ago and he recommended I try hot yoga. I laughed at him and said forget it and we parted ways. He knows me, he got it. So flash forward to last week and my new "gotta get my ass in gear" kick, and I txt my friend and say, "I cave lets go"

So we made plans to go this morning, he recommended I come properly hydrated.

Well, I am back to report on my experiences. The hot yoga room was not as hot as expected, but don't get me wrong it was hot. Yoga, when not watered down for chicks who want to year Lulu Lemon pants to say they do yoga, is bloody hard! I for years have been told I'm a figure skater and we're just better at certain things, or we have highly movable joints etc, or all that other crap, BUT it didn't do much to prepare this particular out of shape figure skater for the fact that I was heaving and puffing through the class because apparently I have never learned to breath properly.

So yes, the class was hard, and I'm pretty sure I sweated every beverage I have ever consumed in my life out through my pores, and the drive home in soggy knickers was not something I ever care to repeat (ie take spare knickers to class to change into), it was definitely a challenge. And that was definitely what I needed. The visual may be a little harder to get over (lots of fat men trying to get in shape and you can smell them from the back of the room), but I've been feeling super laid back and energized all day. Getting stuff done around the house, gave me some motivation to do some school work, I don't even have the mindstate to argue with The Boy, after I picked a fight with him last night because it turns out everyone has been right about him being an ass (long story not getting into it...to yoga'ed out).

Now while my back injury is still flared from this mornings yoga session, I'm hoping more exercise and such will help calm it down, so it might be a couple weeks before I go back to yoga, but I think I'll be back again. And this time hopefully better hydrated.

Gold Star Moment

Have you ever had a moment, that although you are a supposed grown up, you feel like "damn, I really deserve a gold star for that". I had a moment last night.

Last night I went to my niece (who I've nicknamed Squirt) 's preschool silent auction dinner and dance, because T needed a date and I wasn't up to much so off we went. I drove, and T drank. A lot. And to make things short, she started to drunk text. And when I had the opportunity to lay into the Asscountant for being a total dipshit, I didn't. I kindly told him T was drunk and that if he wanted to contact her tomorrow would be best. I could have said anything to him scot free. I could have called him an ass, or said that he should be ashamed of himself for being so horrible to my niece (his niece technically too not that you'd ever know it because he's never around and never makes time) but I didn't. I had a moment where I thought "What's the point? What will it accomplish?"

I felt very grown up. And I felt like I definitely deserved a freaking gold star.

The Jack-Off Factor

So one of the things I haven't really fessed up to lately is that I've sort of been seeing someone. Now the relationship is starting off rocky and I've known him awhile so I sort of know its going to crash and burn before it really even starts, but part of me thinks that it's all good and it will all work out if I just stick with it. Regardless. Its new and its very very vague and well the guys a bit of an idiot, but he openly acknowledges that he is bad in relationships so I guess I can't be too hard on him. I'm not really going to get into it right now. But you need the background so that the rest of this post makes sense.

What I'm about to disclose was not my idea, but was T's idea that I should post because she found it rather amusing. So of course here goes.

Last weekend I spent the entire weekend at this guys house because we don't live in the same city (ya yet another issue we are already having problems with...). Sunday morning, after having been up pretty late Saturday night I had no desire to get out of bed before noon, but the guy I was staying with wanted to get up and get some groceries before the hockey game started. I was sitting in bed thinking "I could really go for a coffee and bagel" but thinking that it wasn't going to happen unless I either went to Tim's myself or brewed my own coffee, I rolled over and went back to bed. Boy had already left, and left his phone on the bedside table so I didn't have high expectations.

I hear the lock click, and the Boy returns and I think, "screw it I'm still not getting out of bed", when The Boy announces, "I'm a JACK-OFF". I'm still in bed. I'm not really too sure what he's talking about so I roll over and crawl out of bed and start to trek down the hall.

"I'm a jack-off!" he continues. I'm not really awake so I don't say much, but I'm sure my facial expressions said it all.

"We've slept together and I don't have any idea how you take your coffee!"

I'm sure my jaw dropped, and I had to stiffle a giggle, but I still haven't said much. He seems pretty irritated by this whole thing, and I'm finding it extremely entertaining.

He regales me of his tale to get coffee:

"So I went and got to groceries I needed and then I figured I would come back with coffee. I go into Starbucks and I wait in line, I get up to the till and it dawned on me I have no idea how you take your coffee!! Then I figured I knew you liked bagels so I might as well to go Timmy's. I get to Timmys and realize that not only do I not know what you take in your coffee, I also have no idea what kind of bagel you like or if you like it buttered or with cream cheese!"

By now he's ranting but he continues.

"So I'm a total asshole, because now I'm in a second line up with no idea what to get you and the saddest thing is that we went to tims just yesterday and you had a bagel and I apparently am such an asshole I didn't even pay attention to what you ate then!"

Now the rest of the conversation basically went along with him saying that he had to get a variety of bagels with a variety of toppings (which was good because I don't like the smell of cream cheese esp not on my bagel) and ice caps because he didn't want to get me a coffee I wouldn't drink (so kudos there) and it got to the point where there really wasn't much I could say or do because he was a bit irritated and he wanted to watch the game etc but still. VERY entertaining.

So ya I have known this guy a long time so I would hope that he would know how I take my coffee (he certainly does now anyways) but I appreciate that he totally admits when he's clueless. He tells it like he is, so I guess there is that.

Every guy has a jack-off factor. The Boy's just happens to be that he doesn't know my coffee preference. It's a start I suppose!