I have a theory. Life is like a teeter-totter. Imagine if you will a teeter-totter sitting at perfect balance...then something comes along and plops down on one end...and suddenly you're sinking down desperately trying to get back to balance...or force it down to get ahead...My theory is that in general we like balance. We want to be sitting balanced, but life has a funny way of throwing things at us sway us up and down. Failures, decisions and set backs weigh us down, where successes and achievements pull us back up, unless they bring us too far up, something else will have to happen to bring us down. We are constantly being manuvered up and down by the events that take place in our lives, and it seems to me mostly that we are unable to control a lot of them. Things just come up. Sure we might bring some of it on ourselves.....but I know deep down somewhere in our souls that we want balance.
So what has made me come to such a theory on life? Well mine got a wee bit shaken up. Again. In fact this whole year has been a bit of a rocking horse. I've had failed relationships, and amazing adventures abroad. I've had tough decisions, bad jobs and made mistakes, that have turned into amazing opportunities, and met new people who have all changed the way I see the world. I've had family illness, and family bonding. I've had all these things happen and just when I thought I was finally getting back to normal...I find out that my job hat was supposed to pan out...has not and I have to make a decision about school...and it means facing a lot of my problems with my first degree and making them right.
The worst thing is that because of all of my failed relationships (friends and significant people of interest) I'm starting to feel like I'm all alone. In fact I can't ever remember a time I felt this alone. I've always been one to have lots of plans, to always be out...and this week I've been home in bed early every night. With decisions about school weighing on my mind, and family illness taking its toll, being lonely is wearing me a bit thin. When you are so used to having someone there all the time that listens...and suddenly they are gone....its incredibly hard to remember how you coped before.
But through all of these things that seem to be constantly changing (like my ruddy job status) I can't help but feel that everything really will work out. I will get back to being balanced. I'm starting to wonder if the shedding of dysfunctional relationships really just put me up, not down, if the choices about further education are really just bringing me down back to earth, and my job not panning out sinking me forcing me to push myself back off the ground. What if all the bad really is just all happening now so that something amazing can happen and get me back to normal? Maybe being alone, and lonely is making me realize that the relationships I was in before weren't really giving me what I needed?
What if there is this big pay off in my future and all I really need to do is remember that my feet can take me anywhere and all I have to do is have faith, bend my knees, and push off.
So here is to faith! I may be the most agnostic person in the world, but I know that some how, some way (and no this isn't going to turn into some horrible Nickelback song) the universe is looking out for me.....and maybe having a good chuckle at the same time. But it will all work out....or I'll just keep living my life. Either way tomorrow I will get up and greet the day, and do my best to get back to balanced :)
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